Post by Eddie D. on May 28, 2013 17:24:00 GMT
Last week was just another day in the life of the two most InFamous mother lovers this world has ever seen. We came. We saw. WE KICKED SOME ASS JUST LIKE WE TOLD YOU WE WERE GOING TO! And man o' man was that ass kicked royally from pillar to post. Credit where credit is due, those boys took their ass whooping like real gentlemen and it'd be my honor to roflestomp them again sometime.
It's that reason that I'm wearing a SUPER SIZED WHOOPER of a smile when my little phone's record button begins to flash red and I welcome you to another edition of INSIDE ROB DIAMOND! I know, I know, normally I'd be inside you, what with being the GOD OF THE SEX DREAM!!!! But today I'm going for a slightly different twist on things. Today I'm going for something a little different. See, today is the day my whole damn life is about to change for the better.
It's been a long time since I've smiled, like really smiled, you know, what with not having a whole lot to be happy about
but today... Well all my dreams are about to come true.
I turn my little phone toward the door I'm standing outside of and prepare to ruin two people's lives and do something I've never done before and save another.
Knock knock.
I angle the phone so you can all still see my smiling pearly whites and my fresh leather jacket. The door swings open and that dirty blonde haired ass hat known as Jack stands in the door way.
"Well if it isn't Rob 'THE LOSER' Diamond. Got a lot of balls showing your face around here after our little discussion a few weeks ago."
"Why thank you, I do have big balls, something your girl knows a lot about."
The douche cringes a little, probably couldn't make her moan half as loud as me on his best day with half a bottle of viagra and a vibrator playing wing man. In the background Katy pops her head up, my daughter in her arms.
"Jack-"
"Shush babe, this is between us."
"Actually, it's not."
D bag tries to shove me out the door but I press myself in a little bit.
"See, I've been meaning to talk to you both about the terms of our little deal the other week."
Katy gets closer, can't help but notice how adorable my little girl is, gotta focus, assholes all around me...
"Deal? Jack, what's he talking about."
"Nothing babe, now go make me a sandwich or something."
"Nothing? Nothing?? You call threatening the life of my daughter over a match NOTHING!?"
"What?"
"I did-"
"Oh you most certainly did. Got the whole thing on video actually."
"What??!! You son of a-"
"Nah, actually that's you, dick."
Douchebag's blonde hair clashes with his super red skin. Katy however looks even more upset than he does. Wonder why? Maybe she didn't... No, forget that. She's in on it too...
"Now here's the deal, Jack, I showed the video to Child services and they are on their way up as we speak, as are the police. My daughter, Hope, will be going into their custody and the two of you will be heading to jail until such time as you can be tried with risk of injury to a minor."
"I'm going to fuc-"
"And one last thing."
BAM! Right to the kisser and douche bag takes a dirt nap on the nasty fake tile floor. Katy steps over him, my daughter, my Hope in her arms. She looks so cute, staring up at me, her real daddy with a look of wonder on her face...
"Rob... I'm serious I... I didn't know..."
"It doesn't matter if you did or didn't, you're guilty by association."
Child services and the men in blue come pouring out the door of the elevator, I quickly look down at the sleeping giant and yell.
"HE CAME RIGHT AT ME OFFICERS!!! I DIDN'T HAVE A CHOICE!!!"
They don't really pay me any mind as they wake Jack up and start reading him his rights. The lady from Child Services takes Hope from Katy and brings her over to me.
"Thank you for all your assistance Mr. Diamond. We will be sure to get in touch with you and go over all the custody forms as soon as possible."
"Thanks."
The lady looks like she's got a large stick up her ass as she takes off with my kid, waddling away in her pant suit. I catch one last look at that adorable little girl before she is gone. I turn back to Katy in cuffs and ready to be hauled off. They reach the door and she asks for a second. I sigh, I really don't wanna talk to this chick but whatever...
"What?"
"Take care of her Rob... And yourself too."
Huh, wasn't expecting that... Suddenly I'm alone in the hall way. It went exactly the way I wanted it to go and now it was just a matter of signing some paper work and Hope would finally be mine...
I'm finally going to be a daddy...
HOLY CRAPOLEY!!!!!
I'M A DADDY!!!!!
...................................................................
"Rob! ROB WAKE UP!!!!"
Smack!
"Whu... Huh... Who... Spike?"
The God of Xtreme is standing over me, I'm not exactly sure how he got here or where here even is.
"Rob? You ok man?"
"The hell is going on?"
"You passed out."
"I just had this awful dream..."
More like a nightmare.
"I dreamed that I was finally going to get custody of my kid and then had the realization that I don't know a damn thing about raising a kid, not to mention I'm the most selfish person on the planet... Thank god it was only a dream. Lets go get drunk and make it hail on some strippers... Spike? Spike why are you looking at me like that? Spike?... Dammit... It wasn't a dream was it?"
He just shakes his head from side to side.
"Balls..."
"Look Rob, we can talk about this later. Right now you've got opponents to cut down."
"You're right, you're right, priorities..."
Right? Anyway, Spike helps me up and that's when I realize where we are, on top of a very very large building in Chicago... What's that famous building? The one that's tall and in Chicago? Well I think we're on that one, possibly one almost as tall as it, but yeah that's where we are.
"So, promo?"
"Absolutely Mr. Diamond."
"Sweet."
I crack my knuckles and look the cam directly in it's eye piece.
"So Mike Laszlo we meet again for the last time."
Ten bucks to the man who name's that reference.
"Last time I stood across the ring from you I wound up standing over you with both my arms raised high in the air right before myself and about fifteen MILLION screaming fans told you to SUCK IT! Gotta say it's a nice memory for me, it's not everyday you take a former world title contender and slap him right back down the ladder with your pimp hand... Well unless you're Rob Diamond of course. Then it happens like every single day."
Twice on Mondays.
"But that's neither here nor there. That was another place at another time, this is IWF! Where everything old is new and everyone who used to suck will get their chance to prove they still suck ALL OVER AGAIN! Which doesn't exactly bring me back around full circle to you but it kind of does because you get the chance to prove you still don't have what it takes to tango with a real life main event SUPERSTAR! Sure, you can dominate them lower tier titles and divisions and that's fantastic but it takes someone with a real set of b-a-l-l-s's to step into the main event and deliver a show stopping performance EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! Which is exactly what Spike and I do. Which is exactly why I feel so sorry for you."
Seriously, I've got a single tear all saved up to shed for him.
"See, you called my boy Spike out on the interweb and that ish just don't fly Micheal. It don't fly at all. See, if there is one thing Spike and I take deadly serious it's our internet personas. I mean after all EVERYONE is on the internet. ANYONE can be googled at anytime so Spike and I need to keep the aura and mystique of INFAMOUS intact. And then you came along and you ran your mouth a little too much about the wrong person and now you've gone and got yourself a tag team match with the most well oiled machine this side of TOKYO!"
A country known for it's well oiled machines... I think... Robots use oil right? Detroit then. Pretty sure they still build cars sometimes... Whatever.
"When Spike and I step into the ring the GODS OF DESTRUCTION do just one thing, WE DESTROY! Anyone and anything across from us and try as you might Mike, you cannot avoid the destruction. You cannot fight it. Hell, you can't even see it coming until it's already ripped you to pieces. See, Spike and I, we're a unit. We're two sides of one messed up freaking coin. We are what people dream of, what they fear, what they want to be but can't ever even get close. We are the PINNACLE of professional wrestling. Two of the greatest to EVER step foot in the ring and WE are on exactly the same page and that's seeing you laying in a bloody heap at the end of the night. Period."
My boy Spike nods his head behind me like what.
"And what are you? Who are you? What legacy do you carry with you? What dreams have you made come true? What nightmares have you caused? What impact have you made on this business? When Spike and I die the memories of the horror we caused and the victories we achieved will live on WELL past us. While you, Laszlo? You're just pissing in the wind my friend. Esepcially since you don't even know a single damn thing about the man you're teaming with Monday. I mean, Spike and I, we know what the other is going to do before we even know, what do you know about John Rherring besides he looks pretty damn sexy in a mask? NOTHING!"
And honestly he doesn't even look that sexy in a mask, I was just trying to make him feel better.
"I mean sure, guys in masks are usually dark and scary and have one pretty messed up past that they can't EVER seem to get over. But you wanna know something Mike, John, Spike and I are two of the most sadistic men to ever set foot in a ring. We don't need masks to be scary, we don't need to hide who we are, WE WANT YOU TO KNOW. I want you to know exactly what I'm capable of and I want you to look me in MY face, not some mask, but MY FACE when I bloody you up and bring your career to a grinding halt!"
And it's oh so satisfying.
"So Mike, gotta ask yourself, can you really count on this guy? Can you really look to Rherring to bail you out when the going gets tough? Or is he going to leave you high and dry once he realizes that Spike Kane and I are UNSTOPPABLE!? See, I'm banking on the latter. The guy seems pretty smart, after all, once Keeton got down verbally burying him last week, he just kept his mouth shut and took his ass whooping like a man in that cage match. What's he going to do this week except more of the same? Why should we even expect any less? Thing is, I'd love to believe that John Rherring is going to shock the world, that he's going to come to the ring and just be the absolute perfect partner for you and the two of ya are going to give Spike and I the match of our lives live on free tv for all of OUR fans to enjoy... However I don't believe in fairy tales."
Except for fairies! Their freaking real.
"Which brings me why I'm standing on this building."
I help the cam look over the side.
"You're taking a leap of faith in this match Mike, trusting a masked man like Rherring, a big leap and let me tell you something..."
The cam dangles over the edge of the building, tiny little ants walking around below.
"It's a long freaking way down."
And just like that, the cam begins it's long ass fall from the top of this building, just like Mike and John Monday night when Spike and I lift them up on our shoulders for one shining moment in the sun before sending them right back down to the bottom of the pile...
"SUCK IT!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Crap... I don't think Apple's warranty is gonna cover this...
It's that reason that I'm wearing a SUPER SIZED WHOOPER of a smile when my little phone's record button begins to flash red and I welcome you to another edition of INSIDE ROB DIAMOND! I know, I know, normally I'd be inside you, what with being the GOD OF THE SEX DREAM!!!! But today I'm going for a slightly different twist on things. Today I'm going for something a little different. See, today is the day my whole damn life is about to change for the better.
It's been a long time since I've smiled, like really smiled, you know, what with not having a whole lot to be happy about
but today... Well all my dreams are about to come true.I turn my little phone toward the door I'm standing outside of and prepare to ruin two people's lives and do something I've never done before and save another.
Knock knock.
I angle the phone so you can all still see my smiling pearly whites and my fresh leather jacket. The door swings open and that dirty blonde haired ass hat known as Jack stands in the door way.
"Well if it isn't Rob 'THE LOSER' Diamond. Got a lot of balls showing your face around here after our little discussion a few weeks ago."
"Why thank you, I do have big balls, something your girl knows a lot about."
The douche cringes a little, probably couldn't make her moan half as loud as me on his best day with half a bottle of viagra and a vibrator playing wing man. In the background Katy pops her head up, my daughter in her arms.
"Jack-"
"Shush babe, this is between us."
"Actually, it's not."
D bag tries to shove me out the door but I press myself in a little bit.
"See, I've been meaning to talk to you both about the terms of our little deal the other week."
Katy gets closer, can't help but notice how adorable my little girl is, gotta focus, assholes all around me...
"Deal? Jack, what's he talking about."
"Nothing babe, now go make me a sandwich or something."
"Nothing? Nothing?? You call threatening the life of my daughter over a match NOTHING!?"
"What?"
"I did-"
"Oh you most certainly did. Got the whole thing on video actually."
"What??!! You son of a-"
"Nah, actually that's you, dick."
Douchebag's blonde hair clashes with his super red skin. Katy however looks even more upset than he does. Wonder why? Maybe she didn't... No, forget that. She's in on it too...
"Now here's the deal, Jack, I showed the video to Child services and they are on their way up as we speak, as are the police. My daughter, Hope, will be going into their custody and the two of you will be heading to jail until such time as you can be tried with risk of injury to a minor."
"I'm going to fuc-"
"And one last thing."
BAM! Right to the kisser and douche bag takes a dirt nap on the nasty fake tile floor. Katy steps over him, my daughter, my Hope in her arms. She looks so cute, staring up at me, her real daddy with a look of wonder on her face...
"Rob... I'm serious I... I didn't know..."
"It doesn't matter if you did or didn't, you're guilty by association."
Child services and the men in blue come pouring out the door of the elevator, I quickly look down at the sleeping giant and yell.
"HE CAME RIGHT AT ME OFFICERS!!! I DIDN'T HAVE A CHOICE!!!"
They don't really pay me any mind as they wake Jack up and start reading him his rights. The lady from Child Services takes Hope from Katy and brings her over to me.
"Thank you for all your assistance Mr. Diamond. We will be sure to get in touch with you and go over all the custody forms as soon as possible."
"Thanks."
The lady looks like she's got a large stick up her ass as she takes off with my kid, waddling away in her pant suit. I catch one last look at that adorable little girl before she is gone. I turn back to Katy in cuffs and ready to be hauled off. They reach the door and she asks for a second. I sigh, I really don't wanna talk to this chick but whatever...
"What?"
"Take care of her Rob... And yourself too."
Huh, wasn't expecting that... Suddenly I'm alone in the hall way. It went exactly the way I wanted it to go and now it was just a matter of signing some paper work and Hope would finally be mine...
I'm finally going to be a daddy...
HOLY CRAPOLEY!!!!!
I'M A DADDY!!!!!
...................................................................
"Rob! ROB WAKE UP!!!!"
Smack!
"Whu... Huh... Who... Spike?"
The God of Xtreme is standing over me, I'm not exactly sure how he got here or where here even is.
"Rob? You ok man?"
"The hell is going on?"
"You passed out."
"I just had this awful dream..."
More like a nightmare.
"I dreamed that I was finally going to get custody of my kid and then had the realization that I don't know a damn thing about raising a kid, not to mention I'm the most selfish person on the planet... Thank god it was only a dream. Lets go get drunk and make it hail on some strippers... Spike? Spike why are you looking at me like that? Spike?... Dammit... It wasn't a dream was it?"
He just shakes his head from side to side.
"Balls..."
"Look Rob, we can talk about this later. Right now you've got opponents to cut down."
"You're right, you're right, priorities..."
Right? Anyway, Spike helps me up and that's when I realize where we are, on top of a very very large building in Chicago... What's that famous building? The one that's tall and in Chicago? Well I think we're on that one, possibly one almost as tall as it, but yeah that's where we are.
"So, promo?"
"Absolutely Mr. Diamond."
"Sweet."
I crack my knuckles and look the cam directly in it's eye piece.
"So Mike Laszlo we meet again for the last time."
Ten bucks to the man who name's that reference.
"Last time I stood across the ring from you I wound up standing over you with both my arms raised high in the air right before myself and about fifteen MILLION screaming fans told you to SUCK IT! Gotta say it's a nice memory for me, it's not everyday you take a former world title contender and slap him right back down the ladder with your pimp hand... Well unless you're Rob Diamond of course. Then it happens like every single day."
Twice on Mondays.
"But that's neither here nor there. That was another place at another time, this is IWF! Where everything old is new and everyone who used to suck will get their chance to prove they still suck ALL OVER AGAIN! Which doesn't exactly bring me back around full circle to you but it kind of does because you get the chance to prove you still don't have what it takes to tango with a real life main event SUPERSTAR! Sure, you can dominate them lower tier titles and divisions and that's fantastic but it takes someone with a real set of b-a-l-l-s's to step into the main event and deliver a show stopping performance EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! Which is exactly what Spike and I do. Which is exactly why I feel so sorry for you."
Seriously, I've got a single tear all saved up to shed for him.
"See, you called my boy Spike out on the interweb and that ish just don't fly Micheal. It don't fly at all. See, if there is one thing Spike and I take deadly serious it's our internet personas. I mean after all EVERYONE is on the internet. ANYONE can be googled at anytime so Spike and I need to keep the aura and mystique of INFAMOUS intact. And then you came along and you ran your mouth a little too much about the wrong person and now you've gone and got yourself a tag team match with the most well oiled machine this side of TOKYO!"
A country known for it's well oiled machines... I think... Robots use oil right? Detroit then. Pretty sure they still build cars sometimes... Whatever.
"When Spike and I step into the ring the GODS OF DESTRUCTION do just one thing, WE DESTROY! Anyone and anything across from us and try as you might Mike, you cannot avoid the destruction. You cannot fight it. Hell, you can't even see it coming until it's already ripped you to pieces. See, Spike and I, we're a unit. We're two sides of one messed up freaking coin. We are what people dream of, what they fear, what they want to be but can't ever even get close. We are the PINNACLE of professional wrestling. Two of the greatest to EVER step foot in the ring and WE are on exactly the same page and that's seeing you laying in a bloody heap at the end of the night. Period."
My boy Spike nods his head behind me like what.
"And what are you? Who are you? What legacy do you carry with you? What dreams have you made come true? What nightmares have you caused? What impact have you made on this business? When Spike and I die the memories of the horror we caused and the victories we achieved will live on WELL past us. While you, Laszlo? You're just pissing in the wind my friend. Esepcially since you don't even know a single damn thing about the man you're teaming with Monday. I mean, Spike and I, we know what the other is going to do before we even know, what do you know about John Rherring besides he looks pretty damn sexy in a mask? NOTHING!"
And honestly he doesn't even look that sexy in a mask, I was just trying to make him feel better.
"I mean sure, guys in masks are usually dark and scary and have one pretty messed up past that they can't EVER seem to get over. But you wanna know something Mike, John, Spike and I are two of the most sadistic men to ever set foot in a ring. We don't need masks to be scary, we don't need to hide who we are, WE WANT YOU TO KNOW. I want you to know exactly what I'm capable of and I want you to look me in MY face, not some mask, but MY FACE when I bloody you up and bring your career to a grinding halt!"
And it's oh so satisfying.
"So Mike, gotta ask yourself, can you really count on this guy? Can you really look to Rherring to bail you out when the going gets tough? Or is he going to leave you high and dry once he realizes that Spike Kane and I are UNSTOPPABLE!? See, I'm banking on the latter. The guy seems pretty smart, after all, once Keeton got down verbally burying him last week, he just kept his mouth shut and took his ass whooping like a man in that cage match. What's he going to do this week except more of the same? Why should we even expect any less? Thing is, I'd love to believe that John Rherring is going to shock the world, that he's going to come to the ring and just be the absolute perfect partner for you and the two of ya are going to give Spike and I the match of our lives live on free tv for all of OUR fans to enjoy... However I don't believe in fairy tales."
Except for fairies! Their freaking real.
"Which brings me why I'm standing on this building."
I help the cam look over the side.
"You're taking a leap of faith in this match Mike, trusting a masked man like Rherring, a big leap and let me tell you something..."
The cam dangles over the edge of the building, tiny little ants walking around below.
"It's a long freaking way down."
And just like that, the cam begins it's long ass fall from the top of this building, just like Mike and John Monday night when Spike and I lift them up on our shoulders for one shining moment in the sun before sending them right back down to the bottom of the pile...
"SUCK IT!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Crap... I don't think Apple's warranty is gonna cover this...
Well howdy there pardner.