Post by Eddie D. on Jun 11, 2013 14:36:03 GMT
Odd sort of introduction to but any of you ever seen "Planes, Trains and Automobiles"? It's this sweet ass 80's movie where Steve Martin is trying to get home for the holidays and John Candy keeps messing everything up and they hate each other and then by the end... Well I won't ruin it for you. Watch it.
Anyway there's this scene in the movie where Steve Martin is trying to get a new rental car from this super cheery, yet terribly ugly woman. Know who I'm talking about? Well for those who do know the lady I'm talking about, I'm sitting across her doppleganger right now at child services. She's chewing on her pen while looking over my paper work to see if I'm a fit parent.
Ms Pham: So let me get see if I'm understanding this... You're on the road most of the week?
Rob: Yes.
Ms Pham: You have no current place of residence.
Rob: That's correct.
Ms Pham: You're family has refused to assist you in raising the child?
Flashback to standing in my parents living room, mom and dad are sitting on the couch. I'm in the middle of begging them to help me raise this kid. It isn't going so well. In fact anytime I've ever needed anything from them it never goes well cause I'm not perfect older brother Chris...
I plead my case before them but it doesn't seem to matter, "Come on, she's my daughter, I'm not just going to give her up!"
Then my dad cut me off, "Rob, when are you going to realize you are not capable of caring for another human being?"
My mom stood up and looked me right in the eyes when she said, "Do what's best for this child and let her go to someone who will put her needs first..."
Snap back to reality.
Rob: Pretty much.
Ms Pham: And you make a living by, and I quote "Beating the hell out of slack jawed douchebags for the sheer joy of the crowd'?
Rob: Well... Not JUST the crowd.
You know, those things didn't sound all that bad when I wrote them down seprately but uhh... All together like that? Damn.
Ms Pham: I've got to be honest here Mr. Diamond. You have got to be the least qualified parent to ever try to obtain custody of their child.
Rob: What?? That's horse shit. You're telling me that there isn't a single bigger piece of crap in all of Detroit right now? What about Steve Awesome? Huh?
Ms Pham: He isn't trying to gain custody of any of his possible children, Mr. Diamond.
Rob: Touche...
Ms Pham: Look Mr. Diamond, we at Child Services would love for this child to be raised by one of her parents, really we would, but as of this point and time I don't think I can in good conscience release her into your custody.
Sad thing is... I can totally see why.
Rob: Look... Uhhh... Mrs. Pham... She spent most of last week with me at the Kane's house and I fed her and changed her and everything! That doesn't prove I can handle raising her?
Ms Pham: Last week was just a trial Mr Diamond and while yes you took care of her, you don't have a place of your own to raise her, not to mention your hectic schedule and unusual life style.
Rob: What if I took care of those things?
Ms Pham: You mean what if you were to get a more permanent residence and provide child care for your daughter while you're working?
Rob: Yeah, exactly, that stuff.
Ms Pham: Then we'd have something to talk about, but as things stand I'm going to I have to say no.
Rob: Yeah, I understand. Thanks Mrs. Pham. Do you think I could maybe have a minute or two with her?
Totally crossing my fingers right now... Come on... Come on...
Rob: I'll buy you a donut.
Ms Pham: What??
Crapcrapcrap!
Rob: I'll... Buy... You... A... Coconut?
Ms Pham: Are you bribing me with fruit?
Rob: N.. No? Why, is it working?
Ms Pham: Mr. Diamond, I'll have you know my weight is a thyroid condition and has little to nothing to do with my diet.
*COUGH*BULLCRAP!!!!!!!!!!!*COUGH*
Ms Pham: And I would appreciate it if you would leave my office.
Rob: Look, I'm sorry, can I just see her?
Ms Pham: Please just go Mr. Diamond and call my office when you have your priorities straightened out.
My priorities??? That kid is my priority!!! Dammit I can't believe I just screwed that up. All I had to do was keep my damn mouth closed...
A little later on I find my handsome self settling in for a promo about my upcoming Tag Team Title shot with my brother from another mother, Spike. I'm thinking our chances are pretty solid since we are easily the most cohesive and battle tested unit in the division but I've still got an obligation to cut my opponents off at the knees verbally.
Today my promo is brought to you by an empty arena. Yup, that's right. It's a few days before the first big pay per view and nothing is set up yet. I'm just hanging out in the stands, taking it all in. Sporting my new shirt, pink with a giant black Superman "S" shield on it and the word "IT!" written just below it. I look good in pink.
Rob: In a couple of days a war is going to be waged in this arena.
Technically several.
Rob: A war to determine which of us tag teams is the best damn tag team at the current moment. I'm not going to waste time with the details, I think we're all well aware that InFamous already holds the title of best and Sunday is just a match to give us the shiny name plates that prove it.
I mean, we had to "earn" them after all. How would it look if they just gave us the belts?
Rob: I'm not going to sit here and take anything away from any of the teams. IWF is all about new beginnings and for the most part, all of ya are new teams. All of ya have only been together for the couple of weeks IWF has been open. All of ya have had less than a hand full of matches in in each others corners in IWF. Sure maybe one or two of ya surfed the indies together and maybe you made a relative name there but this isn't the indies. This is IWF, the resurrected phoenix of NCW and with that in mind... We're InFamous.
Flashy grin for the cam.
Rob: We have a TON of history. A ton of history that cannot be so easily disregarded like I can disregard a possible tag team title reign that lasted a half an hour in a high school gym. See, Spike had a hand in training me, molding me, turning me into the rat bastard you see before you and one of the best damn wrestlers on the planet. Spike and I have been to war with and against each other. We've laid waste to legends in more than one promotion as well as kicked each others ass all over the damn planet. We've shed so much blood together in that ring that hell, we're probably the same blood type.
I suddenly wonder if I should get tested... Stay on target.
Rob: What I'm saying is, inside that ring, we're the kings. We're the legends. We're the hall of famers. We're two former World Champions who have NEVER held tag team gold together. Yup, that's right. Some how, some way, tag gold has always just slipped by us. Yeah, we've been dominant all over the world. Kicked more ass than the US Marines. But we have yet to solidify how damn awesome we are by becoming Tag Team Champions of the World. Sunday night, we're going to rectify that when one of us climbs the ladder over your bloody bodies and pulls down the IWF gold.
It actually sends a little shiver up my spine thinking about. After all, Spike is probably my best friend, even if I never admit it.
Rob: I know it's not going to be simple. I know all of you are here for a reason. IWF isn't run by some monkeys, it's run by smart business men and when they put the tag division together they looked for the best and brightest. They brought on two young up start tag teams in the James Gang and HonorBound. They brought in a power house like the Naturals. And they brought on probably the most disrespected tag team outside of NAZI in Criminal Intent. Not to mention Spike and myself.
Man, what is up with all these nice things I'm saying?
Rob: I know, you're pretty perplexed as to why, me, Rob Diamond, is saying pretty nice things about you guys. And it's simple, I'm goddamn excited. See, when I walked away from NCW last year I was burnt out, mentally and physically. I don't need to go into detail about it because it doesn't matter. And when I came back it was simply to pay my respects to the company that made me. But now? Now in IWF, this new beginning, I'm excited. Excited to wrestle new competition, better competition. Excited to fight new titles, make new legends, create new memories. I'm excited to get in that ring with Spike by my side, me at his and take on four sick ass tag teams in goddamn tables, ladders and chairs match!
I jump up outta my chair and point down to where the ring is gonna be.
Rob: RIGHT THERE! A legend is going to be made. A bar is going to be set. One of us is going to become the first IWF Tag Team Champions of the World and from there the skies the limit. We've got an opportunity to steal the show at Bloody Azzises. To make every match before and after us look like total shit. We've got a chance to shed any bad stigmas that may be hanging over us from other places. We've got a chance to storm the gates and make a name for ourselves. We've got a chance to give the kids in the crowd something to aspire toward. Their gonna watch us rip flesh from bone and their gonna think, goddamn, that was freaking awesome. I hope I can grow up to be Jackhammer, or Stephen Kingsley or Roman James, or Spike freaking Kane. Their gonna see us bleeding, crying, dying for those titles, throwing ourselves off freaking forty foot tall ladders for those titles and their gonna think screw the cruiser weights. Screw the Diamonds. The tag division is the division to watch. Those are the belts to fight for.
I place a converse sneaker on one of the seats in front of me and lean forward on my leg.
Rob: Honestly, despite everything that's lead up to this, like Cyrus complaining about not being booked, I haven't got a bad word to say about a single one of you. Because I know once that bells rings, each of you is going to come at Spike and I with the burning pitchforks and the barbed wire chairs. You're gonna come for us because we're the team to beat. If you can put us down, if you can lay out the God of Xtreme and the Master of Evil, Rob Diamond, well, then those titles are as good as yours. And you know what? I freaking welcome the challenge boys. I demand the challenge. I wanna be put through tables. Hit with ladders. Crushed with a chair. I wanna walk backstage having lost so much blood I need a transfusion. I want my head to ache for days, my body to feel like it's been through a meat grinder. I wanna know come Monday morning that we all left it in that ring...
I just nod, thinking about awesome this is going to be.
Rob: That way, when I roll over and nuzzle my shiny new tag team title I know that not even the best this promotion has to offer is enough to stop us.
Heh, it's gonna be sweet.
Rob: Suck it.
Can't help but chuckle as I stand back up. I'm dead serious when I say I'm looking forward to this match. Sunday ain't coming fast enough.
As I head out of the arena my phone goes off, just got a text from Spike.
"Hey man, sorry about child services. Seriously, if you need anything just ask."
I know most people wouldn't think so but Spike is honestly a good dude. I should tell him sometime, he'll probably kick in the balls if I do it in front of a camera though. I text back.
"I appreciate the offer man, I do, but I gotta do this one on my own..."
Heh, guess we all gotta grow up sometime.
Anyway there's this scene in the movie where Steve Martin is trying to get a new rental car from this super cheery, yet terribly ugly woman. Know who I'm talking about? Well for those who do know the lady I'm talking about, I'm sitting across her doppleganger right now at child services. She's chewing on her pen while looking over my paper work to see if I'm a fit parent.
Ms Pham: So let me get see if I'm understanding this... You're on the road most of the week?
Rob: Yes.
Ms Pham: You have no current place of residence.
Rob: That's correct.
Ms Pham: You're family has refused to assist you in raising the child?
Flashback to standing in my parents living room, mom and dad are sitting on the couch. I'm in the middle of begging them to help me raise this kid. It isn't going so well. In fact anytime I've ever needed anything from them it never goes well cause I'm not perfect older brother Chris...
I plead my case before them but it doesn't seem to matter, "Come on, she's my daughter, I'm not just going to give her up!"
Then my dad cut me off, "Rob, when are you going to realize you are not capable of caring for another human being?"
My mom stood up and looked me right in the eyes when she said, "Do what's best for this child and let her go to someone who will put her needs first..."
Snap back to reality.
Rob: Pretty much.
Ms Pham: And you make a living by, and I quote "Beating the hell out of slack jawed douchebags for the sheer joy of the crowd'?
Rob: Well... Not JUST the crowd.
You know, those things didn't sound all that bad when I wrote them down seprately but uhh... All together like that? Damn.
Ms Pham: I've got to be honest here Mr. Diamond. You have got to be the least qualified parent to ever try to obtain custody of their child.
Rob: What?? That's horse shit. You're telling me that there isn't a single bigger piece of crap in all of Detroit right now? What about Steve Awesome? Huh?
Ms Pham: He isn't trying to gain custody of any of his possible children, Mr. Diamond.
Rob: Touche...
Ms Pham: Look Mr. Diamond, we at Child Services would love for this child to be raised by one of her parents, really we would, but as of this point and time I don't think I can in good conscience release her into your custody.
Sad thing is... I can totally see why.
Rob: Look... Uhhh... Mrs. Pham... She spent most of last week with me at the Kane's house and I fed her and changed her and everything! That doesn't prove I can handle raising her?
Ms Pham: Last week was just a trial Mr Diamond and while yes you took care of her, you don't have a place of your own to raise her, not to mention your hectic schedule and unusual life style.
Rob: What if I took care of those things?
Ms Pham: You mean what if you were to get a more permanent residence and provide child care for your daughter while you're working?
Rob: Yeah, exactly, that stuff.
Ms Pham: Then we'd have something to talk about, but as things stand I'm going to I have to say no.
Rob: Yeah, I understand. Thanks Mrs. Pham. Do you think I could maybe have a minute or two with her?
Totally crossing my fingers right now... Come on... Come on...
Rob: I'll buy you a donut.
Ms Pham: What??
Crapcrapcrap!
Rob: I'll... Buy... You... A... Coconut?
Ms Pham: Are you bribing me with fruit?
Rob: N.. No? Why, is it working?
Ms Pham: Mr. Diamond, I'll have you know my weight is a thyroid condition and has little to nothing to do with my diet.
*COUGH*BULLCRAP!!!!!!!!!!!*COUGH*
Ms Pham: And I would appreciate it if you would leave my office.
Rob: Look, I'm sorry, can I just see her?
Ms Pham: Please just go Mr. Diamond and call my office when you have your priorities straightened out.
My priorities??? That kid is my priority!!! Dammit I can't believe I just screwed that up. All I had to do was keep my damn mouth closed...
A little later on I find my handsome self settling in for a promo about my upcoming Tag Team Title shot with my brother from another mother, Spike. I'm thinking our chances are pretty solid since we are easily the most cohesive and battle tested unit in the division but I've still got an obligation to cut my opponents off at the knees verbally.
Today my promo is brought to you by an empty arena. Yup, that's right. It's a few days before the first big pay per view and nothing is set up yet. I'm just hanging out in the stands, taking it all in. Sporting my new shirt, pink with a giant black Superman "S" shield on it and the word "IT!" written just below it. I look good in pink.
Rob: In a couple of days a war is going to be waged in this arena.
Technically several.
Rob: A war to determine which of us tag teams is the best damn tag team at the current moment. I'm not going to waste time with the details, I think we're all well aware that InFamous already holds the title of best and Sunday is just a match to give us the shiny name plates that prove it.
I mean, we had to "earn" them after all. How would it look if they just gave us the belts?
Rob: I'm not going to sit here and take anything away from any of the teams. IWF is all about new beginnings and for the most part, all of ya are new teams. All of ya have only been together for the couple of weeks IWF has been open. All of ya have had less than a hand full of matches in in each others corners in IWF. Sure maybe one or two of ya surfed the indies together and maybe you made a relative name there but this isn't the indies. This is IWF, the resurrected phoenix of NCW and with that in mind... We're InFamous.
Flashy grin for the cam.
Rob: We have a TON of history. A ton of history that cannot be so easily disregarded like I can disregard a possible tag team title reign that lasted a half an hour in a high school gym. See, Spike had a hand in training me, molding me, turning me into the rat bastard you see before you and one of the best damn wrestlers on the planet. Spike and I have been to war with and against each other. We've laid waste to legends in more than one promotion as well as kicked each others ass all over the damn planet. We've shed so much blood together in that ring that hell, we're probably the same blood type.
I suddenly wonder if I should get tested... Stay on target.
Rob: What I'm saying is, inside that ring, we're the kings. We're the legends. We're the hall of famers. We're two former World Champions who have NEVER held tag team gold together. Yup, that's right. Some how, some way, tag gold has always just slipped by us. Yeah, we've been dominant all over the world. Kicked more ass than the US Marines. But we have yet to solidify how damn awesome we are by becoming Tag Team Champions of the World. Sunday night, we're going to rectify that when one of us climbs the ladder over your bloody bodies and pulls down the IWF gold.
It actually sends a little shiver up my spine thinking about. After all, Spike is probably my best friend, even if I never admit it.
Rob: I know it's not going to be simple. I know all of you are here for a reason. IWF isn't run by some monkeys, it's run by smart business men and when they put the tag division together they looked for the best and brightest. They brought on two young up start tag teams in the James Gang and HonorBound. They brought in a power house like the Naturals. And they brought on probably the most disrespected tag team outside of NAZI in Criminal Intent. Not to mention Spike and myself.
Man, what is up with all these nice things I'm saying?
Rob: I know, you're pretty perplexed as to why, me, Rob Diamond, is saying pretty nice things about you guys. And it's simple, I'm goddamn excited. See, when I walked away from NCW last year I was burnt out, mentally and physically. I don't need to go into detail about it because it doesn't matter. And when I came back it was simply to pay my respects to the company that made me. But now? Now in IWF, this new beginning, I'm excited. Excited to wrestle new competition, better competition. Excited to fight new titles, make new legends, create new memories. I'm excited to get in that ring with Spike by my side, me at his and take on four sick ass tag teams in goddamn tables, ladders and chairs match!
I jump up outta my chair and point down to where the ring is gonna be.
Rob: RIGHT THERE! A legend is going to be made. A bar is going to be set. One of us is going to become the first IWF Tag Team Champions of the World and from there the skies the limit. We've got an opportunity to steal the show at Bloody Azzises. To make every match before and after us look like total shit. We've got a chance to shed any bad stigmas that may be hanging over us from other places. We've got a chance to storm the gates and make a name for ourselves. We've got a chance to give the kids in the crowd something to aspire toward. Their gonna watch us rip flesh from bone and their gonna think, goddamn, that was freaking awesome. I hope I can grow up to be Jackhammer, or Stephen Kingsley or Roman James, or Spike freaking Kane. Their gonna see us bleeding, crying, dying for those titles, throwing ourselves off freaking forty foot tall ladders for those titles and their gonna think screw the cruiser weights. Screw the Diamonds. The tag division is the division to watch. Those are the belts to fight for.
I place a converse sneaker on one of the seats in front of me and lean forward on my leg.
Rob: Honestly, despite everything that's lead up to this, like Cyrus complaining about not being booked, I haven't got a bad word to say about a single one of you. Because I know once that bells rings, each of you is going to come at Spike and I with the burning pitchforks and the barbed wire chairs. You're gonna come for us because we're the team to beat. If you can put us down, if you can lay out the God of Xtreme and the Master of Evil, Rob Diamond, well, then those titles are as good as yours. And you know what? I freaking welcome the challenge boys. I demand the challenge. I wanna be put through tables. Hit with ladders. Crushed with a chair. I wanna walk backstage having lost so much blood I need a transfusion. I want my head to ache for days, my body to feel like it's been through a meat grinder. I wanna know come Monday morning that we all left it in that ring...
I just nod, thinking about awesome this is going to be.
Rob: That way, when I roll over and nuzzle my shiny new tag team title I know that not even the best this promotion has to offer is enough to stop us.
Heh, it's gonna be sweet.
Rob: Suck it.
Can't help but chuckle as I stand back up. I'm dead serious when I say I'm looking forward to this match. Sunday ain't coming fast enough.
As I head out of the arena my phone goes off, just got a text from Spike.
"Hey man, sorry about child services. Seriously, if you need anything just ask."
I know most people wouldn't think so but Spike is honestly a good dude. I should tell him sometime, he'll probably kick in the balls if I do it in front of a camera though. I text back.
"I appreciate the offer man, I do, but I gotta do this one on my own..."
Heh, guess we all gotta grow up sometime.
Well howdy there pardner.