I'm going to win.

["The Main Man" Chris Diamond]

Blond pig tails frame black and white stripped leggings. A little girl sits huddled in a corner, head tucked away to hide her face. Somewhere in the vast empty space people laugh and sing and cry, but this little girl.

No, never this little.

A lone tear escapes her eye and stains pale cheeks, she mustn’t let him see her cry otherwise the punishment would be so much worse than a time out.

A low gruff startled her and she sat up, her blue eyes searching the darkness of the empty room for the source of the noise. She saw him almost immediately, how could you miss him? He was like a monster cast in shadow, his huge bulging shoulders and steel blue eyes making him stand out against the plain white wall.

She bit her lip, he could see the tear.

So here we go, my first honest to goodness match in the Imperial Wrestling Federation and it’s against….

EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Holy crap! Like seriously, everyone except for like two other people who are going to beat each other up in a different. So what the heck are we supposed to do just stand around and talk a lot of smack to each other for forty five to fifty five minutes?

And what exactly happens if my promo cuts off at forty four minutes and fifty nine seconds? Am I like going to get thrown out of the ring by some invisible force if I break the unwritten written rule of the contest?

That’d be awesome by the way.

I don’t know, honestly, what I do know is I’m supposed to stand here in full costume, mask on in front of this green screen with what I’m assuming will be a Diamond’s Search banner of some kind cgi’ed in behind me and tell the whole world that…

“I’m going to win.”

BAM!!! What now suckas! Pandora just owned you all!

What? You don’t think so? Oh I’m sorry should I figure out sixteen other ways to tell you I’m going to win this match? Well that isn’t my cut of tear. I’ve already gone ahead and stolen the words right out of all my opponents mouths. Sure I could dress it up with vague threats and insults but really isn’t my style. I mean would you believe me if I said…

I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!!!?

No, it’d sound silly because no one is going to kill anyone, heck, I have a hard time believing most days that we’re even really trying to hurt one another.

“Look, I get it, the IWF wants us all to stand here and look pretty in front of the camera while we threaten to rip each other to pieces.”

I just shrug.

“But I really don’t feel like pandering the camera and talking in a menacing voice. If I can’t say what I mean and have it hold any weight then I’m not going to say anything at all.”

Does that make me boring?

“That’s why I can stand here and say I’m going to win. It’s not a stupid threat or clever catch phrase, I’m not portraying a character or whipping out my boobies, I’m telling you straight up what I think is going to happen.”

I know, world shattering to think I could say everything everyone else is going to say in ten words or less.

“I’m going to win. You’re going to try and stop me and that’s what wrestling is, it’s a competition. Granted some of you think the only way to get ahead is to play to the camera, offer yourself as some twisted reflection of who you are. Sell yourself short for five or ten seconds in the spot light. But that isn’t me.”

That’s right, I’M DIFFERENT!

“I wear the mask and cover most of my body because this is a physical competition, it’s wrestling not a beauty contest or a popularity contest. Yeah sure the fans will cheer a wardrobe malfunction like it was the second coming but at the end of the day those fans want to see wrestling.”

I think.

“And while Kandi K’s latest photo shot might garner their attention span in the long term it’s women like me, like Ana Valentine, Amber Richards, Eternity and Jessica Reed that capture their imagination and mesmerize them. Women who do this for the love of wrestling, who just want to compete with the best and hopefully one day be the best. Those are the names that will be remembered long after your titties sag to the floor.”

It’s going to be so awesome once my name gets added to that list.

“I could name drop Fiona, Blessed, Rennick, any one of you and cut the A typical promo about how much better I am than you but to be honest I hate those promos.”

BORING!

“There so tiresome and time consuming. I honestly can’t believe any one has that kind of time to stand back and just talk trash ad nausea. Especially when it means nothing! Absolutely nothing. All the words and insults and catch phrases amount to nothing because it isn’t what you say that matters. It’s what you do.”

I know, someone somewhere will argue that talking smack gives you the upper hand and helps you get inside your opponents head but that’s only when your opponents gives a crap what you think of them. I don’t.

“I’m going to step inside that ring and I don’t care which of you gets in my face first, Kate or Becky or whoever is left, I’m going to throw each and every one of you out of that ring until I’m the only Diamond left standing. This competition is about finding the next great Diamond, well I’m standing right here so look no further.”

Classic pose, finger guns, you know I look awesome but here’s the thing I’m not bending over backward to win this thing and I’m sorry if that makes me some sort of anti hero. I’m just not interested in selling my soul for wrestling.

By the way the scene faded out and now I’m just talking to you directly right because I can.

People are going to call me naïve and maybe I am. Maybe I’m just a freaking idiot for thinking I can compete in IWF without having to become something I’m not. But that’s what I’m going to do, I’m going to wrestle, I’m going to give everything I’ve got in every match I take part in whether it’s a twenty chick battle royal or a one on one, a death match or a woman of steel. It doesn’t matter to me.

I’m damn happy to be here.

Even if I do feel like that British guy Carl Pilkington sitting in the middle of a group of gorillas with now idea what to do next.

“Now be silent as we track the illusive beast.”

Oh sorry.

“Scene describe you fool.”

Right. We open back up to me in my mask, a pair of cargo pants with a hunting cap and an elastic band launching rifle.

“There is nothing more magical than witnessing a predator in it’s true habitat.”

I look around at the various Diamond Search contestants, some “stretching” out their legs in precarious positions as the male members of the roster walk by, other adjusting their ample cleavage, all of it makes me laugh.

“It’s nearly mating season in the IWF…”

It’s always mating season from what I can tell.

“And each of these Diamonds will be looking to find a mate, hopefully one higher up on the food chain to secure them their own undeserved spot at the top.”

Gold diggers.

“My disguise provides me with the opportunity to observe them far closer than most others. They mistake the slight glimmer of cleavage as a like mark but their minds are too small to comprehend that there is more to me.”

A few heads turn as I did behind boxes and crates all conveniently placed as if I set this little exhibition up.

“It is my goal through observation to learn as much as possible about them…”

Slowly I take aim with my elastic band rifle…

“So that when the time comes to shot…”

FIRE!

“I won’t miss…”

“SONOFABITCHMYBALLS!”

CRAP I MISSED!

“Who the hell just shot me!?”

I panic and drop my weapon, I missed my target and hit one of the males, their a ferocious lot and I’d be foolish to allow myself to be-

“Hey! You in the mask!”

I bail as fast as I can down the hall, screeching around a corner and only catching a quick glimpse of the man I shot… Rob Diamond.