Rob and Ace are gonna DP professional wrestling, BAYBAY!!!!

[Eddie D.]

I don’t even know why you little M-Fer’s even bother to question me anymore. I come out here week after week after week and tell you I’m the Greatest of all Time and that there ain’t nobody who can touch me and you STILL question my greatness. I mean it’s completely baffling to me.

Jake “The Sexiest Man Alive” Conway, Rob “The GOAT” Diamond, the Royal Flush Gang stepped inside the ring with two loud mouthed yockles and we totally wiped the floor with them. I mean we kicked their behinds. For lack of a better term-

We freaked them the frak up.

But hey, new week, new match and I’m sure all the naysayers are going to go right back to questioning me and not believing in me and all the typical BS that goes on backstage among the men and women that make up our illustrious roster and that’s fine. It’s the inherent jealousy of natural ability and good looks that makes all you people so adorable.

I mean, I LOVE that most of you hate me.

It really lights a fire under me, gets the spark going, gives me a raging semi as I prepare for my next match. I love little know it all’s sitting behind their computer desks clacking away at the keyboard talking all kinds of junk about Rob Diamond like they mean something to somebody.

Kyle Mason.

I love hearing their uninformed opinions about how terribly I am at this that or the other thing just moments before I Diamond Cut their AngelUgly head off.

Jack Gaither.

I mean, it’s really just the most exciting thing in the world for me to look across the ring with a condescending grin just before taking one of the pillars of the company and driving him face first into the mat.

Cliff Clinton.

I LOVE IT!

But this week is going to be a little different because I’m not facing some Training Grounds jack off or HillBilly Jim, I’m facing one of the greatest performers of the modern era…

Jake Conway.

Now I know a lot of people are expecting me to go into some epic tirade about the Ace and his love life and how I’d totally get down with his wife if he were to suddenly up and die in tragic hit and run car accident just outside of the arena.

I’m here for you Kathy.

But I’m not going to because when I face people I actually have an iota of respect for I like to let them know it. See I’m not all piss and fart jokes, sometimes I can have a deep and meaningful conversation about a match and to be quite honest with ya, facing Jake is a real honor.

See way back when I first started the Ace was one of my first major feuds and back then? My Angel, we hated each other. I mean we couldn’t even be in the same state together without one of the two of us trying to kill each other and me being the young whipper snapper I was just endlessly talked smack about the Ace.

Can you blame me?

I was like twenty two or something and trying to make a name for myself, best way to do that is to step to one of the big dogs and try and take him down. Now of course that didn’t go exactly as planned and Jake put me in my place. And that really pissed me off, I mean that old ass man actually beat me!? Impossible. But after a few years I got to know the dude, became friends, learned we hated a lot of the same people.

I mean Adam Knite? Frak that guy, amiright?

And now, now we are like total BFF’s, we go to movies and have sleep overs and when Kathy isn’t listening he tells me all about the adventures of younger more devilish Ace and I listen intently and wonder how much of it is actually true.

We’re like heterosexual life mates…

Except Spike is my heterosexual life mate so we’re more like brothers or cousins or just really close friends that occasionally masterbate in a hot tub together. Alex Jones told me that wasn’t gay…

LOOK! The point is Jake Conway and I, we’re two of the AngelDamned best wrestlers on the planet! I mean, I’m the Greatest of all Time and he’s like the second greatest in comparison to me and that right there means this is going to be a great match! Match of the night! Match of the year!

MATCH OF THE MILLENIUM!!!!!

But most of all it’s going to be a match between two close friends, not a blood bath or blood feud or bleed feast, just a match between two guys looking to be pushed to their absolute limits against the best the company has to offer and like him or hate him, the Ace is one of the best wrestlers we’ve got.

So Jake, I’m putting the dick jokes aside for one week only, tightening up my belt and pretending to be more mature than I actually am to provide you with the match you deserve.

Buddy.

And I can’t wait. Good luck.

Yeah, don’t worry, it feels weird for me to say it too but I really didn’t wanna embarrass him with all the totally awesome stories I’ve got about him. Like this one time we were over seas and I bet him a thousand bucks that he couldn’t pick up this transve-

Nevermind!

I’m not falling for your AngelDamned jedi mind tricks!

But you are falling for my Michael Bayesque special effects as the scene before you totally explodes into a massive firey ball of exploding puppies each one exploding into even smaller and more fiery puppies until we fade in on my sexy face, pan back on that amazing black hair, toned abs, ripped arms, you can’t help but touch yourself as I sexily untie my rasslin’ boots.

Spike: Dude.

But then that ugly mofo Spike Kane walks into my locker room dressed in a black hoodie with a leather coat over it, jeans and some combat boots. If you’re anything like me you wonder why a guy who is probably loaded doesn’t dress in something better than Walmart’s finest but hey don’t ask so many questions because you’re only going to hurt your fragile mind.

Rob: Wassup broham?

Spikey pops a squat next to me on the bench as I pull off my boots slowly and erotically knowing you’re watching at home.

Spike: What are you doing?

Rob: Getting undressed, why, you looking for a cheap show? If so then you better look some place else.

He tries to keep that super serious look on his face but it doesn’t work so he finally cracks a grin.

Spike: No man, I mean with Jake, what the hell are you doing?

Rob: Having a friendly match.

Spike: Rob, Jake doesn’t have friendly matches.

I roll my eyes and shake my head at him, I know the two of them hate each other for reasons unknown but come on, what’s the old guy gonna do?

Rob: Dude, he’s not as bad as you think he is.

Spike: I trained him, he’s exactly as bad as I think he is.

Rob: He’s changed.

Spike: No man, he’s just smarter now.

Rob: Spike-

Spike: Rob, Jake is a smart, dangerous guy, him and Kathy obviously have some kind of a plan, man and I think…

Rob: You think what?

Spike: I think he’s using you.

Rob: Like you did?

I see Spikey wince, he doesn’t like to think about our feud from last year but it’s pretty hard for me to forget someone cutting my AngelDamned finger off.

Rob: Look man, I’m glad you’re back on your meds and looking out for me again and not trying to kill me anymore but Jake isn’t the diabolical devil everyone seems to think he is. Yeah, he loves his wife, she’s got a staff position and their using that to annoy the crap out of people. I’d do the same thing.

He shakes his head at me.

Rob: It’s just a match between friends, that’s it.

Spike: I hope you’re right…

Rob: Trust me, I know Jake pretty well.

Spike gets all silent and introverted, possibly having an extremely deep inner monologue about our friendship and feelings but I’m not really into that right now so I totally ruin the mode.

Rob: Titty bar?

Spike: Hell yeah.

Epic fist bump that nearly blows your damn screen up but only actually cracks it slightly but you are having a hard time understanding the sudden dampness in your pants. Did you pee yourself or did that fist bump just make you cream?

YOU DON’T KNOW!!!!

And that’s the part that worries you most.

But you know what worries me? Not a damn thing, not global warming or poverty or population control or cancer or aids or ebola or even the Ace double crossing me and making me out to look like a bitch!

You hear that Jake!?

I trust you buddy, I believe in you. I know you’ve been a real asshole in your day and so have I but we’ve come a long way, we’re more mature now, I mean you’re essentially a great grandfather, right? And me, well I’m a father, I gotta look out for my kid just like you had to during the Great Depression.

That’s why I know this is going to be an epic match because above everything else you’re a competitor, a sportmans, you like a good challenge and that’s exactly what I’m going to give you.

So for one night only the Ace and Rob Diamond are going to step into the ring and we are going to show all these youngin’ how two REAL men wrestle. We’re going to strip down to a wrestling tights, oil up, slick back our hair and we are going to roll around that ring so hard, so vicious, so crotch grindingly hard that it’s going to be difficult for most grown men to watch without questioning their own sexuality because what we are going to do in that ring is going to be BEAUTIFUL!

We’re going to make sweet sweet love to the sport of professional wrestling together. We are going to tag team that dirty bitch, one in the front, one in the back and maybe later on we double stuff that slut, I don’t know, anything can happen in the heat of the moment!

What I do know is minds will be blown Sunday night at Danger Zone.

Boundaries will be crossed.

Walls broken.

And when the dust settles their will be only one of us standing and whoever that is he’s going to reach down and help the other one up and we’re going to shake hands. We’re going to shake hands like men while wrestling lays in a pool of our filth and sweat and bodily fluids and I’m going to thank you for a good match, thank you for the best match ever and I’m going to tell you face to face, man to man…

Better luck next time.

Because as much as I love you I’m gonna beat that ass.

Suck it.