Post by Damien Sparks on Mar 29, 2015 16:32:29 GMT
The Spark
Creative News For Creative Sparks
For as long as humanity has existed, we as a species have looked up to the stars and wondered if we are alone in the universe, and today it appears we may finally have an answer to that age-old mystery. Conspiracy theorists, affectionately known in their exclusive circles as nerds, but known to the rest of the world as nutjobs, have long held the belief that alien life not only exists, but actually walks among us in secret. Well, now finally it would appear that those believers have something else to hang their hat on.
Noted exobiologist, Professor Lincoln J. Forsell confirmed that after seven years of observing professional wrestling's most well known and faithful wife, Kathy Conway, in her natural environment that she is indeed not human.
Throughout his career, Professor Forsell has been considered wildly controversial for his fascinating and unsubstantiated theories on new life evolving on Earth, sent here on the backs of meteorites as they impact the earth, and in his newest study, he postulates that Kathy Conway is "the best evidence" he has come across to support the idea of what he calls the "Cosmic Pollination Theory of New Life."
"Think of Earth in a very literal sense for a moment, a floating sphere of fertile ground like you find in your garden at home," he explains, "Now think of each of the meteorites that bombard it more often than you may realise as 'space seed' being spread out randomly throughout the Universe, all carrying what we would consider "alien life" suited to thrive in different environments. Not all of them are suited to our living conditions, but those that are adapt and grow to our way of life - that is the Theory of Cosmic Pollination."
As with all controversial new theories, not many of Professor Forsell's peers are sold on the idea and some even call his comprehensive secret study of Kathy nothing more than an old man's perverted fantasies, but the Professor insists that is research is impeccable and necessary, and that he now has enough compelling evidence to support his view that Kathy Conway is one of these special "star cross pollinations".
"Think about it for a moment, the evidence has been there for years. No human being is capable of loving a man like Jake. A man with a sordid past rivalled only by the likes of Alex Jones, and yet she loves him so completely, so absolutely, and so inexplicably, it stands to reason therefore that Mrs Conway is not nor ever has been human," he elaborated.
When asked if there are other such pollinations in IWF, Professor Forsell said: "Most likely yes, an investigation into Ana Valentine is still ongoing."
Perhaps an even more striking conclusion of the Professor's work is the causal link that he speculates between Ana Valentine and Kathy Conway, theorising that they may both be of the same species given that they have such an obvious attraction to men with such similar backgrounds and traits and that feelings are developed so rapidly over a relatively short space of time.
If this is true, then it would seem to suggest IWF is a favourite "breeding ground" for this new species of attractive female, given that most of IWF's Diamonds Division has seen rapidly advancing relationships between members of the roster, other Diamonds of current interest to Professor Forsell are Amber and Kayla Richards and Tara Fenix.
There was a study on Alysson Gardner which was abandoned after unsatisfactory progression and the studies on Kate Steele and Cindy Warren were readily dismissed as they gave the most inconsistent results.
One final thing this study tentatively suggests is that Jessica Reed, Mercedes Vargas and Emma Danielson are also an cosmic pollinations, but of an entirely unrelated species as they do not appear to have any desire to mate with any of their colleagues in IWF.
Well howdy there pardner.