Post by Eternity on Dec 30, 2015 22:30:17 GMT
You find yourself in a cold, sterile white hospital room.
Eliza Valentine lies comatose on the bed hooked up to various drips and monitors, her hair in neat blonde curls, framing a face much paler than you remember.
She was still alive, even if you knew she was barely clinging on to her life, you still had hope that she'd make a full recovery soon.
My pale hand reaches out and strokes her cold cheek gently, my voice but a whisper.
It didn't matter, because I knew she could still hear me.
Hope.
It's a fun little concept when you really think about it, and believe me I've thought about it, a lot.
Sometimes it is the only thing I can think about and other times it is the only thing I can remember having...
Eliza Valentine lies comatose on the bed hooked up to various drips and monitors, her hair in neat blonde curls, framing a face much paler than you remember.
She was still alive, even if you knew she was barely clinging on to her life, you still had hope that she'd make a full recovery soon.
My pale hand reaches out and strokes her cold cheek gently, my voice but a whisper.
It didn't matter, because I knew she could still hear me.
Hope.
It's a fun little concept when you really think about it, and believe me I've thought about it, a lot.
Sometimes it is the only thing I can think about and other times it is the only thing I can remember having...
~~~~
A few days after another Christmas alone, without her Mommy and Daddy, a young girl, barely a teen in fact searched for answers still. Her sunken brown eyes probed her own pale reflection in the mirror as she took a good long hard look at herself.
The fire that started all this, it was her fault. It was all her fault.
It was her childish insistence on all those pretty little lights. It just wasn't Christmas without pretty little lights everywhere, after all.
If she hadn't insisted on those lights or if they had gone to another store on another day, Mommy would still be here. Mommy would still be alive.
She closed her eyes tight and tears began to roll down her face.
If her eyes were indeed the windows to her soul, the glass must be frosted and the ice melting.
It was all her fault.
She wasn't strong enough, she never had been.
She couldn't endure the pain, it hurt so badly still.
The girl sighed and sniffled back her tears as she slid the mirror to one side and revealed the medicine in the cabinet behind it.
A nearly fresh bottle of aspirin, she reached out for it. She spun the bottle in her hand, hearing the pills rattle inside. The label promised fast pain relief, and she wondered just how fast it would all be.
Not fast enough probably, but it was worth a try.
What did she have to lose that she hadn't already lost at this point in her life?
She heard footsteps coming up the stairs, quickly she put the bottle back and slid the mirror back into place.
It was an insane notion, one she could not give in now.
So she waited for another time.
Waiting, she was good at that.
She had already waited an eternity to see them again, after all.
What was a little longer?
~~~~
What was a little longer?
~~~~
So what made me lose it?
What makes any of us lose all hope?
I've asked myself that question so many times now, and though I've never been able to admit it to any of my psychiatrists, I'll admit it to you now my love.
We're alone after all and I know if there's one thing you're good at keeping, it's a secret.
The secret we never really tell anyone, yet is always there in the back of our minds. Keeping us alive when we really shouldn't be.
You know what that's like, don't you Eliza?
Laying there beeping, whirring, breathing. All of it involuntary. Keeping us from ever fully embracing those little moments of insanity, those crazy thoughts that we're taught to temper as children and dismiss as adults.
What else is this life if not the greatest choice we're never given?
So why can't we end it all here and now Lizzie?
Fear.
Fear of being called a coward, of taking the easy way out.
That's what brought us here, and that's what keeps us here.
But here's the kicker, there's nothing easy about dying, and those who say there is have never tried it.
It's okay to be afraid, sweetie. It's okay, it's healthy. It keeps us alive.
Fear. The natural enemy of hope. The robber to my cop. The Cowboy to my Indian. The dog to my cat - and I know what you're thinking, Lizzie.
How many lives can my cat possibly have left? How many more times can she continue to land on her feet? How many more times can she possibly jump back into the box?
Never knowing what she really is until you open the box to let her out again.
Until that moment however, the logical mind will tell you that she is dead as much as she is alive.
The eternity that exists between moments like those, they are the ones you really should cherish Fiona. The uncertainty between moments of life and death, the ones you will never understand, are the very ones I thrive in, the ones I live for most and the ones I love even more.
Because in those moments everything and nothing exists. Anything is possible or impossible depending on your perspective.
Logic would seem to suggest there is no way any of this will end well for you Fifi, but that doesn't matter because you traded in logic for fun a while ago, didn't you?
I can't say I blame you. Being logical all the time is just soooo boring. Logic states that the cat in the box is either living or dead, one or the other, she cannot be both. Boooorrrrring. It's a brave fool who isn't afraid to throw all conventional wisdom out of the window and consider her to be both alive AND dead at the same time.
Yet what else would you call Eliza Valentine?
You're right Fiona, this is FUN. Considering all the possibilities of your immediate future like this. I can see why you like seeing the world this way.
For everybody else, when they step into the ring with me they're confronted with their own mortality and thus their only logical response is to try and evade the inevitability I represent for as long as they can.
But for you, this is just a game - not a matter of life or death.
Who cares if the cat is dead or alive, just stuffing her in a little pine box was fun enough, right Fifi?
You're right, it was actually.
You know the more I think about it, the more I'm really starting to appreciate your little world view. In your world, my cat is neither living nor dead and that means...
You hear me draw a sharp intake of breath.
ZOMBIE CAT!!!
And who doesn't love those?
Zombie cats for the win!
No wonder she's the special referee. All she needs to do now is count to three...and it'll all be over. We both know she can do it, it's all within her power...the real question is just how long it will take?
Like I said Fiona, it's those moments in between that you need to learn to enjoy, no matter how painful I make them for you.
I am not the best at giving advice but if I had any for you, it would be to take it all with a smile, just like I have.
Smile, let your heart fill with joy that you finally achieved your grandest ambition. You've finally made the Diamonds Division a hell of a lot of fun for somebody like me. Somebody just like you, somebody who likes to play the game of life for what it is, just like football - only some of us are the boot and others are the ball...
Guess which one I am McFly?
Think about it, take all the time you need and I promise you before we're through I will have punted you head first into your own goal!
You see me get up from Eliza's bedside, take a step back and kick an imaginary ball across the field. You see me then run around the room, miming a cheer with both fists in the air.
SHE SHOOTS! SHE SCORES! BOOM! NOTHING BUT NET! AND THE CROWD AT WEMBLEY ARE DELIGHTED!
You see me look back at the comatose Eliza.
So I take it you're not much of a football fan then?
You see me then lean in real close to Eliza, as if struggling to hear what she was saying.
What? superior football?
Oh, don't worry I will sock her, alright...just not in the mouth, I just adore that accent. It's so cute when she tries to disguise it for the sake of her big bad Texan cowboy sheriff superhero like that, don't you think?
No I don't know what the point of Thunderhead was either....but hey, like Fiona always says, it's not about making sense, it's about having fun...and believe me, at Diamonds Are Forever, we'll all have so much fun she won't believe it. I'm just sorry you won't be there with us.
You see me lean in close again, this time a nurse appears, intruding on the moment.
Nurse: Erm I'm sorry dear, but visiting hours are over for today. Feel free to come back tomorrow.
You see my expression turn quickly from annoyance to a smile.
No, no, I'm sorry. I didn't realise...time goes by so quickly these days, doesn't it?
Nurse: Far too quickly some would say, but she'll be okay...her vitals have been steadily improving every day. I'd say your visits have given her something to hold on for...
You see me grin.
Thank you. You have no idea how much it means to me to hear that from somebody. When we were growing up people always said we had a special bond...guess they were right...
Nurse: I can see the two of you are inseparable, and I'm sure she appreciates it.
Could you give us a moment?
Nurse: Oh, of course...
You see me then kiss Eliza on the forehead and whisper.
Don't worry, I'll take good care of Fifi until you come back...
Nurse: Family pet?
Yeah. French poodle. Very high strung. Excitable, loves to have fun. Had to take her to the vet a couple of months ago because the poor girl bit off more than she could chew an almost choked to death on a chunk of meat too big for her. She just hasn't been the same since....this all happened, be a shame to put her down...
Noticing that it was a sore subject, the nurse briskly changes tact to something she hoped would lighten the mood.
Nurse: Are you sure you wouldn't like some decorations in here, something to brighten up the room a bit? We have plenty left over from the Children's Wing.
NO!
The nurse jumps a little, shaken by the sudden outburst.
I mean...it's okay, I mean...the room is fine...as long as I remember the way she smiles, it's always bright in here...
The nurse smiles as you see me slowly leave the room. I look over my shoulder one last time.
Take care of her, won't you? My baby sister means the world to me...
What makes any of us lose all hope?
I've asked myself that question so many times now, and though I've never been able to admit it to any of my psychiatrists, I'll admit it to you now my love.
We're alone after all and I know if there's one thing you're good at keeping, it's a secret.
The secret we never really tell anyone, yet is always there in the back of our minds. Keeping us alive when we really shouldn't be.
You know what that's like, don't you Eliza?
Laying there beeping, whirring, breathing. All of it involuntary. Keeping us from ever fully embracing those little moments of insanity, those crazy thoughts that we're taught to temper as children and dismiss as adults.
What else is this life if not the greatest choice we're never given?
So why can't we end it all here and now Lizzie?
Fear.
Fear of being called a coward, of taking the easy way out.
That's what brought us here, and that's what keeps us here.
But here's the kicker, there's nothing easy about dying, and those who say there is have never tried it.
It's okay to be afraid, sweetie. It's okay, it's healthy. It keeps us alive.
Fear. The natural enemy of hope. The robber to my cop. The Cowboy to my Indian. The dog to my cat - and I know what you're thinking, Lizzie.
How many lives can my cat possibly have left? How many more times can she continue to land on her feet? How many more times can she possibly jump back into the box?
Never knowing what she really is until you open the box to let her out again.
Until that moment however, the logical mind will tell you that she is dead as much as she is alive.
The eternity that exists between moments like those, they are the ones you really should cherish Fiona. The uncertainty between moments of life and death, the ones you will never understand, are the very ones I thrive in, the ones I live for most and the ones I love even more.
Because in those moments everything and nothing exists. Anything is possible or impossible depending on your perspective.
Logic would seem to suggest there is no way any of this will end well for you Fifi, but that doesn't matter because you traded in logic for fun a while ago, didn't you?
I can't say I blame you. Being logical all the time is just soooo boring. Logic states that the cat in the box is either living or dead, one or the other, she cannot be both. Boooorrrrring. It's a brave fool who isn't afraid to throw all conventional wisdom out of the window and consider her to be both alive AND dead at the same time.
Yet what else would you call Eliza Valentine?
You're right Fiona, this is FUN. Considering all the possibilities of your immediate future like this. I can see why you like seeing the world this way.
For everybody else, when they step into the ring with me they're confronted with their own mortality and thus their only logical response is to try and evade the inevitability I represent for as long as they can.
But for you, this is just a game - not a matter of life or death.
Who cares if the cat is dead or alive, just stuffing her in a little pine box was fun enough, right Fifi?
You're right, it was actually.
You know the more I think about it, the more I'm really starting to appreciate your little world view. In your world, my cat is neither living nor dead and that means...
You hear me draw a sharp intake of breath.
ZOMBIE CAT!!!
And who doesn't love those?
Zombie cats for the win!
No wonder she's the special referee. All she needs to do now is count to three...and it'll all be over. We both know she can do it, it's all within her power...the real question is just how long it will take?
Like I said Fiona, it's those moments in between that you need to learn to enjoy, no matter how painful I make them for you.
I am not the best at giving advice but if I had any for you, it would be to take it all with a smile, just like I have.
Smile, let your heart fill with joy that you finally achieved your grandest ambition. You've finally made the Diamonds Division a hell of a lot of fun for somebody like me. Somebody just like you, somebody who likes to play the game of life for what it is, just like football - only some of us are the boot and others are the ball...
Guess which one I am McFly?
Think about it, take all the time you need and I promise you before we're through I will have punted you head first into your own goal!
You see me get up from Eliza's bedside, take a step back and kick an imaginary ball across the field. You see me then run around the room, miming a cheer with both fists in the air.
SHE SHOOTS! SHE SCORES! BOOM! NOTHING BUT NET! AND THE CROWD AT WEMBLEY ARE DELIGHTED!
You see me look back at the comatose Eliza.
So I take it you're not much of a football fan then?
You see me then lean in real close to Eliza, as if struggling to hear what she was saying.
What? superior football?
Oh, don't worry I will sock her, alright...just not in the mouth, I just adore that accent. It's so cute when she tries to disguise it for the sake of her big bad Texan cowboy sheriff superhero like that, don't you think?
No I don't know what the point of Thunderhead was either....but hey, like Fiona always says, it's not about making sense, it's about having fun...and believe me, at Diamonds Are Forever, we'll all have so much fun she won't believe it. I'm just sorry you won't be there with us.
You see me lean in close again, this time a nurse appears, intruding on the moment.
Nurse: Erm I'm sorry dear, but visiting hours are over for today. Feel free to come back tomorrow.
You see my expression turn quickly from annoyance to a smile.
No, no, I'm sorry. I didn't realise...time goes by so quickly these days, doesn't it?
Nurse: Far too quickly some would say, but she'll be okay...her vitals have been steadily improving every day. I'd say your visits have given her something to hold on for...
You see me grin.
Thank you. You have no idea how much it means to me to hear that from somebody. When we were growing up people always said we had a special bond...guess they were right...
Nurse: I can see the two of you are inseparable, and I'm sure she appreciates it.
Could you give us a moment?
Nurse: Oh, of course...
You see me then kiss Eliza on the forehead and whisper.
Don't worry, I'll take good care of Fifi until you come back...
Nurse: Family pet?
Yeah. French poodle. Very high strung. Excitable, loves to have fun. Had to take her to the vet a couple of months ago because the poor girl bit off more than she could chew an almost choked to death on a chunk of meat too big for her. She just hasn't been the same since....this all happened, be a shame to put her down...
Noticing that it was a sore subject, the nurse briskly changes tact to something she hoped would lighten the mood.
Nurse: Are you sure you wouldn't like some decorations in here, something to brighten up the room a bit? We have plenty left over from the Children's Wing.
NO!
The nurse jumps a little, shaken by the sudden outburst.
I mean...it's okay, I mean...the room is fine...as long as I remember the way she smiles, it's always bright in here...
The nurse smiles as you see me slowly leave the room. I look over my shoulder one last time.
Take care of her, won't you? My baby sister means the world to me...
Well howdy there pardner.