Post by Eternity on Jul 13, 2013 20:41:42 GMT
Puple smoke clouds your vision as the doors to my world are once again flung open to receive you.
Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be...
I know you're name's not Matthew. It's called pretend, you jerk.
I have to get in the spirit of things, I'm teaming with a woman who likes to play dress up.
As the smoke clears, you see a tight close up on my face in my usual make up that you've come to expect, but still something seemed a little off today. Maybe it was the giant red beard that was stuck to my face.
I know, I know, it clashes with my pink hair, right?
It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just go with it.
Coincidentally, even I was surprised by how much I liked that movie.
You see me raise a finger to my lips.
Sssssh, be vewy, vewy quiet, we're huntin' sasquatches...and apparently they look like Amber Richards and Ashley Michelangelo. Who knew? I know, I was shocked too when I found out they were Big Feet, they only looked like size sevens to me, but then I guess that's why I'm not a disgruntled shoe salesman, and that's probably a good thing too because I really couldn't stand being married to Peg either. Anyway, where was I? Wouldn't want to get too side-tracked and lose my audience now would I?
The camera zooms out to show me stood in a half crouch sneaking up on something in the distance and off camera. You see me look over my shoulder and mumble under my breath. You see me carrying a violin case, holding it as if it were a shotgun.
Damn it, Jess, where are you? You said you'd back me up here! Crazy aloof girl, can't keep anything straight! Though she does have quite a nice rack...
Oh, you've noticed that too have you? Pervert.
You see me drop the violin case.
Alright, you foul smelly beasts....SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!
The case hits the ground and falls open on impact, you see me draw a tiny plastic toy dart gun from the case and fire off two darts in quick succession, the camera follows the darts as they fail to stick to the two teddybears across the room, but the darts have knocked off the pictures of the faces of Ashley Mastrangelo and Amber Richards that were once stuck to the bears' faces.
BOOM HEADSHOT! EAT IT BITCHES!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
You see me rush over to the teddybears on the floor, grabbing a bottle of ketchup since Barbie wasn't having it on her tea anyway, and squirt it all over the two bears, liberally almost emptying the entire squeezy bottle over them in my ecstacy.
OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH Look at all that blood Amber! I guess now we know why they call you the Blood Diamond, and here I thought it was just because you were some kinda crazy superfan of that one movie with Leonardo Dicaprio in it! Blood, blood everywhere! Too bad you missed the hunt Jess...
You see me rip off the false beard and toss it in the air in triumph.
But you were right! Playing pretend is fun! It must be why Mike Laszlo enjoys wearing that skirt and going around calling himself Ashley.
Wait, what do you mean Ashley isn't Mke in a skirt?
Oh he just trained her! Right, got ya!
Poor, poor girl.
Still, it could be worse, he could be sticking her the salami too.
Phew I'm glad you told me, I was really worried for a second there, I was thinking how could little old me possibly be expected to face a guy who faced Roberto Verona three times! And now Bertie's in the hospital! That guy must really mean business!
What do you mean he didn't do it?
Really?
Oh well never mind...
A beard is as far as I will ever go for you Jess, only because I like you. You amuse me. I haven't played dress up since I was twelve years old and that night when the vampire got daddy, people keep telling me to get over it Jess, but how can I? HOW CAN I? THE VAMPIRES ARE REAL! THEY'RE REAL JESS! Ever since that day I made a vow that I would never play dress up again, so please don't make me dress up Jess....please. I'll do anything! I'll set Amber on fire! I'll make it rain blood like spaghetti sauce all over Ashley, I'll do anything to win us the match, but I won't do that...Hmmm, there's a song in there somewhere and now I have a strange craving for meatloaf.
You see me bend down and retrieve the two saucy photos of Ashley and Amber's faces. You see me look at Ashley closely.
WHERE WERE YOU BUFFY WHEN I NEEDED YOU TO SLAY DADDY'S VAMPIRE ATTACKER!
I'll do anything you ask Jess, I'll throw lightning bolts at Amber, I'll kidnap Ashley and force her to feed rats to Lionel, I'll do anything you need, just say the word and poof, it'll be done, just please don't make me dress up like you! I don't want to enter your crazy world of make believe. It scares me!
You see me discard Ashley's photo and hold onto Amber's as you see me twirl over to Barbie's tea set, where among all the toy cutlery is a mobile phone set on the toy table.
YAY! AMBER HAS A CRUSH ON ME AND THINKS I'M HOT!
Too bad I don't play for that team, or I totally would....
Yeah, I know you're disappointed too, but honestly I don't think I could compete with Arcane. We all love our Cable too much don't we, even though the quality of programming really has gone down these days, hasn't it? Too many cheesy soap operas and love triangles for my taste.
I'VE GOT TO TEXT BARBIE ABOUT THIS, SHE'LL BE SO JEALOUS!
You see me pull out a cell phone and fire off a quick text. A few moments pass before Barbie's cellphone beeps. You see me snap my head around to Barbie.
Hey, B, you got a text? Want me to read it to you?
Okay then.
You see me pick up Barbie's phone and read the message to her.
OH-EM-EFF-GEE! AMBER THINKS I IZ HOTT! N SHE HAZ DEMONZ IN HER CLOSET! HOW HOTT IZ DAT?
You see me sigh as I turn to Barbie.
You know B, that is pretty hot. Amber is so lucky! She has demons in her closet! Do they breathe fire? Do their heads spin like in The Exorcist? All I've got in my closet are some socks and some silky underwear I borrowed from Izzy a couple of weeks ago, she told me that I'd be rather caught out if the totally evil Miss Lockheart booked another lingerie contest, she's right, and I don't want that...
No siree. Uh-uh. She won't catch me unprepared.
What?
Oh don't look at me like that.
I know you've thought about me in lingerie before.
Naughty, naughty...
Heeheehee.
I hope you know how lucky you are Amber, I don't have demons in my closet, I have to summon them from the underworld and believe me that can be a real pain in the ass, especially at peak times after six. Not only that but this week you get to team with one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! Michelangelo! In your hunt for the Ruby, how awesome is that? I saw a child once playing with a ruby the size of a tangerine while I was in Burma with some friends looking for a bandit, it reminded me of two things. First that my mommy and daddy never did get to celebrate their Ruby anniversary...that made me very sad. The second thing it reminded me was that some men just want to watch the world burn after a woman like me has set it alight. Mommy always said if you want something done right, you've got to do it yourself.
Tell me, Michelangelo are you really a party dude? Is Raphael really cool but rude? Leonardo sounds kinda boring if all he does is leads, but Donatello does machines? Kinky bastard! No wonder he wears purple! Nerds who wear purple are always the kinkiest!
I'm sorry I know I shouldn't really speak ill of them, they are your brothers after all, but why are you teaming with Amber? What about April? Or Master Splinter? Or Erma? Or Vernon? Okay fair point, he was kind of a wimp. I only have one question for you Michelangelo, can I see your nunchucks? Take that as a euphemism if you want, I'm totally cool if you want to come out of your shell. Maybe we can even share a banana and chocolate chip pizza after the match....sound cool?
Sounds righteous, doesn't it dude?
COWABUNGA!
With that the purple smoke once again returns to end the scene.
Same time next week?
Okay, see you then.
I'll miss you...
No! I'll miss you more!
Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be...
I know you're name's not Matthew. It's called pretend, you jerk.
I have to get in the spirit of things, I'm teaming with a woman who likes to play dress up.
As the smoke clears, you see a tight close up on my face in my usual make up that you've come to expect, but still something seemed a little off today. Maybe it was the giant red beard that was stuck to my face.
I know, I know, it clashes with my pink hair, right?
It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just go with it.
Coincidentally, even I was surprised by how much I liked that movie.
You see me raise a finger to my lips.
Sssssh, be vewy, vewy quiet, we're huntin' sasquatches...and apparently they look like Amber Richards and Ashley Michelangelo. Who knew? I know, I was shocked too when I found out they were Big Feet, they only looked like size sevens to me, but then I guess that's why I'm not a disgruntled shoe salesman, and that's probably a good thing too because I really couldn't stand being married to Peg either. Anyway, where was I? Wouldn't want to get too side-tracked and lose my audience now would I?
The camera zooms out to show me stood in a half crouch sneaking up on something in the distance and off camera. You see me look over my shoulder and mumble under my breath. You see me carrying a violin case, holding it as if it were a shotgun.
Damn it, Jess, where are you? You said you'd back me up here! Crazy aloof girl, can't keep anything straight! Though she does have quite a nice rack...
Oh, you've noticed that too have you? Pervert.
You see me drop the violin case.
Alright, you foul smelly beasts....SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!
The case hits the ground and falls open on impact, you see me draw a tiny plastic toy dart gun from the case and fire off two darts in quick succession, the camera follows the darts as they fail to stick to the two teddybears across the room, but the darts have knocked off the pictures of the faces of Ashley Mastrangelo and Amber Richards that were once stuck to the bears' faces.
BOOM HEADSHOT! EAT IT BITCHES!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
You see me rush over to the teddybears on the floor, grabbing a bottle of ketchup since Barbie wasn't having it on her tea anyway, and squirt it all over the two bears, liberally almost emptying the entire squeezy bottle over them in my ecstacy.
OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH Look at all that blood Amber! I guess now we know why they call you the Blood Diamond, and here I thought it was just because you were some kinda crazy superfan of that one movie with Leonardo Dicaprio in it! Blood, blood everywhere! Too bad you missed the hunt Jess...
You see me rip off the false beard and toss it in the air in triumph.
But you were right! Playing pretend is fun! It must be why Mike Laszlo enjoys wearing that skirt and going around calling himself Ashley.
Wait, what do you mean Ashley isn't Mke in a skirt?
Oh he just trained her! Right, got ya!
Poor, poor girl.
Still, it could be worse, he could be sticking her the salami too.
Phew I'm glad you told me, I was really worried for a second there, I was thinking how could little old me possibly be expected to face a guy who faced Roberto Verona three times! And now Bertie's in the hospital! That guy must really mean business!
What do you mean he didn't do it?
Really?
Oh well never mind...
A beard is as far as I will ever go for you Jess, only because I like you. You amuse me. I haven't played dress up since I was twelve years old and that night when the vampire got daddy, people keep telling me to get over it Jess, but how can I? HOW CAN I? THE VAMPIRES ARE REAL! THEY'RE REAL JESS! Ever since that day I made a vow that I would never play dress up again, so please don't make me dress up Jess....please. I'll do anything! I'll set Amber on fire! I'll make it rain blood like spaghetti sauce all over Ashley, I'll do anything to win us the match, but I won't do that...Hmmm, there's a song in there somewhere and now I have a strange craving for meatloaf.
You see me bend down and retrieve the two saucy photos of Ashley and Amber's faces. You see me look at Ashley closely.
WHERE WERE YOU BUFFY WHEN I NEEDED YOU TO SLAY DADDY'S VAMPIRE ATTACKER!
I'll do anything you ask Jess, I'll throw lightning bolts at Amber, I'll kidnap Ashley and force her to feed rats to Lionel, I'll do anything you need, just say the word and poof, it'll be done, just please don't make me dress up like you! I don't want to enter your crazy world of make believe. It scares me!
You see me discard Ashley's photo and hold onto Amber's as you see me twirl over to Barbie's tea set, where among all the toy cutlery is a mobile phone set on the toy table.
YAY! AMBER HAS A CRUSH ON ME AND THINKS I'M HOT!
Too bad I don't play for that team, or I totally would....
Yeah, I know you're disappointed too, but honestly I don't think I could compete with Arcane. We all love our Cable too much don't we, even though the quality of programming really has gone down these days, hasn't it? Too many cheesy soap operas and love triangles for my taste.
I'VE GOT TO TEXT BARBIE ABOUT THIS, SHE'LL BE SO JEALOUS!
You see me pull out a cell phone and fire off a quick text. A few moments pass before Barbie's cellphone beeps. You see me snap my head around to Barbie.
Hey, B, you got a text? Want me to read it to you?
Okay then.
You see me pick up Barbie's phone and read the message to her.
OH-EM-EFF-GEE! AMBER THINKS I IZ HOTT! N SHE HAZ DEMONZ IN HER CLOSET! HOW HOTT IZ DAT?
You see me sigh as I turn to Barbie.
You know B, that is pretty hot. Amber is so lucky! She has demons in her closet! Do they breathe fire? Do their heads spin like in The Exorcist? All I've got in my closet are some socks and some silky underwear I borrowed from Izzy a couple of weeks ago, she told me that I'd be rather caught out if the totally evil Miss Lockheart booked another lingerie contest, she's right, and I don't want that...
No siree. Uh-uh. She won't catch me unprepared.
What?
Oh don't look at me like that.
I know you've thought about me in lingerie before.
Naughty, naughty...
Heeheehee.
I hope you know how lucky you are Amber, I don't have demons in my closet, I have to summon them from the underworld and believe me that can be a real pain in the ass, especially at peak times after six. Not only that but this week you get to team with one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! Michelangelo! In your hunt for the Ruby, how awesome is that? I saw a child once playing with a ruby the size of a tangerine while I was in Burma with some friends looking for a bandit, it reminded me of two things. First that my mommy and daddy never did get to celebrate their Ruby anniversary...that made me very sad. The second thing it reminded me was that some men just want to watch the world burn after a woman like me has set it alight. Mommy always said if you want something done right, you've got to do it yourself.
Tell me, Michelangelo are you really a party dude? Is Raphael really cool but rude? Leonardo sounds kinda boring if all he does is leads, but Donatello does machines? Kinky bastard! No wonder he wears purple! Nerds who wear purple are always the kinkiest!
I'm sorry I know I shouldn't really speak ill of them, they are your brothers after all, but why are you teaming with Amber? What about April? Or Master Splinter? Or Erma? Or Vernon? Okay fair point, he was kind of a wimp. I only have one question for you Michelangelo, can I see your nunchucks? Take that as a euphemism if you want, I'm totally cool if you want to come out of your shell. Maybe we can even share a banana and chocolate chip pizza after the match....sound cool?
Sounds righteous, doesn't it dude?
COWABUNGA!
With that the purple smoke once again returns to end the scene.
Same time next week?
Okay, see you then.
I'll miss you...
No! I'll miss you more!
Well howdy there pardner.