I know why the Caged Bird Sings

[Eliza Valentine]

A free bird leaps
on the back of the wind
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wing
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

I never had a mother - never had warm arms to wrap around me and hush away the nightmares.... The kind that scares away the monsters under the bed and kisses away the tears on your cheeks with butterfly winged lips. She did not stand beside my crib and coo lullabies until I drifted to the land of nod; was not the one who bathed my bruises and cuts when my temper bested me.... Never was I told I could do anything - be anyone... I guess that means I have less of a point to prove - less to say....

Perhaps instead you think you see string bind me like a dancer - moving to the beat of another, her dreams, her drives... Pitiful is your view, simple is my deceit.

I don't have a cliche to offer up like folk lore, no men trotted through motel rooms so Mommy could feed us - No dead things whispered to me in the darkness til I became more than a living ghost of another's loins... No tried and failed tale of a star cut down too soon; or whatever little ditty with a lilt the other sings with sorrowful woe to pull upon the deadened heart strings of the masses - All I have is a fragmented reality where some see me as broken, some as hole... And some see me not at all.

So easy are those falsities when they serve a purpose all your own - a perfect accompaniment to your death toll is the delicacy of new wings, flapping and stretching to rise and carry a new dream... A new hope.

I never had faith - never had a guiding hand who promised me endless love and forgiveness in exchange for my dirty little soul.... You know the types, a habitual need to grow and expand, promising all the goodness in the world if only you will receive him; mind... Body.... Soul.... Not mine to give though, that was always clear and so, some think it belongs to another for all Eternity... Others hope to claim it as their own. But me? I never had any faith to keep me strong in those moments of weakness.

Until now.

But a bird that stalks

down his narrow cage

can seldom see through

his bars of rage

his wings are clipped and

his feet are tied

so he opens his throat to sing.

It is all so very familiar, despite the change of the whole room and, in fact, the entire building - still it carries with it a haunting familiarity I cannot escape. The rather attractive young woman sets down a tray of lemonade on the small coffee table between us, I watch the faux- lighting from the ceiling strips reflect off the ice cubes than clink against the constrictive glass.

"I am really so sorry that I can't be of more help....." she smiles at me and her brown eyes twinkle with a genuineness mostly missing from the world I have surrounded myself with; "Honestly, I had no idea this was a.... State Facility prior to my purchase."

I fake a smile that doesn't really match hers, but she seems to take it, in my minds eye I can still see the rusting up old sign out front 'Sister Clarice's Home for Wayward Children'. It had been dated even then and many f the staff had been embarrassed by the name; but not a one of them had thought up such a politically correct title as this young woman had.

"Don't worry about it," I lie, picking up the glass and savoring the bitter sweetness of the lemonade on my tongue.... "I don't know what I was hoping to find anyway..." I lie again.

She nods and we both quietly sip at our drinks, if I had any care for her feelings or comfort this would perhaps be considered awkward, but instead all I hear is them... The shadows, calling to me from up the stairs, the know my name... All of them, each shadow whispering a different Moniker...

Eliza....

Emily.....

Sophie.....

Susan.....

Katie.

She catches my gaze and follows my eye line to the stairs before setting her drink down with another one of those soft and honest smiles.

"Is that where your room was?" she asks, nodding towards the stairs.... Silently I shake my head yes, still distracted by the many voices calling me I place my glass down a heavier hand than I intended, the gentle thud disappears into the noise of their calls - their not so quiet whispers.... She jumps slightly and I recall that blush, managing to turn my cheeks just a touch of red....

"Sorry...." I start and she shoos the empty gesture away with her hand.

"Would you like to go up?" she nods towards the stairs again and I turn my head to look at them now; I can see their long fingers stretched down the walls like shadowy branches, the curl and call for me - she doesn't see them, I know that, but she seems to comply with their wishes, not awaiting my response to stand up and tap at her thighs awkwardly as though patting off invisible dirt and grime.... I stand too, slowly and almost mechanically; for the first time in weeks, I feel as though my action is not mine...

But theirs.

The caged bird sings

with a fearful trill.

Doesn't it get boring Cryssie dearest? Don't you tire of being the butt of the joke every. single. week?

Over and Over again you make promises and stake claims, you tell the world how this will be the match that turns everything around.... A thousand times over you talk about how it just takes one change and this week.... Well, this week you have made that one little change; and then, when it's time to prove yourself, you prove yourself to be the nothing everyone already knew you were.

Some may want to sugar coat your history, bring up the time you shared a lesser title with a greater competitor for the blink of an eye, they may flatter and butter with words like competition and respect.... But you? Crystalyou represent everything in this division that needs to change, the same old faces, never really reading places; in matches just to be there, just to make up the numbers... After all, you cannot possibly believe you are in this match because you earned a spot?

If lying on your back week after week was all that you needed to do to earn shots, Kayla would have a lot more than the one title run she has to show for her career.... Ooops, old wounds trickle open sometimes.... You would know all about that wouldn't you my sweet little nobody? Always in the shadows and not even the good kind, you are the muffled silence, the dying breed of unwanted career wasters....

Danger Zone is my Legacy, my whole path, my journey every struggle and pain I have endured, every nightmare I have faced and overcome has been to get me to this point.... My whole purpose has been to reach this event and prove to her, that Mother really does know best, that she is undeserving - as are you - and I will prove to her, to you and to every other fool who thinks me a toy... A plaything... That I am the future of this division - I am the second coming, the purposed and the destined....

That title is going to be mine Crystal....

Not because I want it more than you - Not because I have earned my spot over you - Not because I am supremely better than you in every single conceivable way....

No, as true as all those things may be - this week, at Danger Zone, I will walk out victorious because I have Faith. Because I Believe it to be true.... Crystal, I will defeat you again this week, because where you are afraid, where you are doubting yourself and your place here - as you well should - I am strong and assured in my path... I know this is my final step to true freedom....

She has shown me all she can and now, I will show you... I will show Her.... I will show everyone that the True Diamond's Champion, can only ever be;

Eliza Valentine.

of things unknown

But longed for still.

Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum.... I smell the blood of a confused little entity with no real purpose in life.

Hehe, see what I did there Fiona - something highly illogical to you I am sure.... Aww, wait - do you still say that? Chicky you change your mask so often I can't even recall if you're a comedy or a tragedy this week;

It's all irrelevant anyway be you the comedy of errors, the smiling buffoon with a whip and no balls or the tragic lost little soul who just needs a hug; you're still going to lose - you're still going to waste another opportunity to prove us all wrong and, undoubtedly you will run away for a little while and then come back and shiny and new and.... tarnished underneath because no matter how many times you try and change you are still the same lost little girl underneath.

I may have been an orphan, I may well have been passed from pillar to post with nowhere to call home - Hell, Fifi, I have even been called so many different names by so many people that it's hard to keep track of which ones I am supposed to still be afraid of... heh .... But you? You take the cake and eat it too you greedy little monkey you!

Sorry, I know this is supposed to be the part where I talk smack about your miserable career and existence, where I point out that in my single journey of self discovery I heave learned and applied more in those few weeks than your whole year of chopping and changing.... Where I state some facts like; whilst you have beeb busy climbing up and then failing to kick, the asses of the who's who in this division (Kathy... Apparently....?) I have been off getting some beauty sleep....

But, it's just so hard to take you seriously; part of me still thinks your existence in this company is one very long... LONG.... Episode of Punk'd.

This week, us five women have a chance to step into the ring and prove why we want it the most, why we deserve to be Champion - and it is sad, so very sad, that you are one of the women included in this - because tell me, Fiona, what have you done to be here? ...Not just in this match but here, at all, still gainfully employed? - I am pretty sure, after all, that you should still be off in the nut house for a few more jabs and, god willing a lobotomy.

Honey pie, I have spent my share of time in and around those places and they don't take too kindly to... You know.... Just up and running away.... Which brings me to my point. Are you really Fiona? Like, deep down inside where your heart and soul are supposed to be, do you even really still exist? So many changes and moves and new faces... Smile for the camera and pretend that you're there, but I see you Fiona... I look into those eyes and I know just as well as you do....

There's nobody there. Not any more.

and his tune is heard

on the distant hill.

Congratulations.

That's what you want isn't it Alexis? You want us all to sit around and talk about what a wondrous and successful Champion you have been; and of course... On paper, you have been - 4 title defenses.. One shy of the record, shame of course that they have been over the same handful of women who had no place being in the scene in the first place....

Shame of course that Mother was right Lexie-Loo, you took the title back and instead of growing, instead of flowering into a beautiful, successful, worthy Champion.... You have remained stagnant and stilted, dwarfed in the shadows of greater women who came before you.... Good news at least, when you are shoved deeper into the shadows, when you become another failed project,a buried pet whose bones are out back and forgotten about, it won't be that much of a change for you....

Change.

Change should have been first on the cards for you Lexie, prove them all wrong and make Her proud; use the tools that She gave you and become bigger and better than anything ever seen.... Instead you lapped at the hand who fed you victories, you took defenses and wins over lessers afraid to step out into the light; Fear is indeed the biggest career killer and you have been marinating in yours... It is in fact laughably pathetic that you could possibly believe you will step out of that cage still a Champion....

No...No.... For too long Alexis I have been caged, locked away and denied my chance to spread my wings; clipped and strangled, kept in the dark so others can have a turn, not my shot, not this time.... And then she came, she saw more than anyone ever could and, unlike you, I did not shy from her lessons, I did not wilt and fail; instead I absorbed it, every lesson, every truth, every terrifying moment of unyielding pain... I absorbed it until the pain and the lessons became a second skin....

That is what will allow me to be the change this division needs; this week at Danger Zone, I will finally be free, cast out into the world to prove my worth and my weight and I do so with a heart in song, I do fit and ready to bloom.... You can keep your fear and hurtful memories, you can wallow in the past of another opportunity wasted; prove again that all you are good for... Is looking good on paper... Your crown is slipping, oh so-called ruler of us all....

And this week, on my way up the side of the cage, I shall rip it from your head and into a tiny thousand pieces.... Another broken, wasted dream for you to cry over.

for the caged bird

sings of freedom.

You have taught me a great many thing, led me along a path of self-discovery and completion that has been brutal and painful, driven me to the edges of my sanity and very nearly toppled me over that edge.

You have shown me the reality of my life, of my mind - You have given me the power of insight and understanding as to what is inside of me and, in doing so, you have given me the tools to overcome it.... And I understand, I do, that this freedom comes at a price.... No longer will you be my turn to, the one resting beside me as well as within my heart; perhaps you have indeed grown tired of teaching me, but I have not grown tired of learning.... I see more now than the window of the world you offered to me;

I see my reflection in the eyes of others and not just yours, I see myself, both the person I am, and the person I was and I know that only without you, can I combine those two people, to become MYself again.

I will see this victory not as me surpassing or outgrowing you... But instead the completion of our work together. When I walk out of Danger Zone, after climbing free of another prison set around me, I will be walking out a Champion, but not just any.... I will be walking out YOUR Champion - it will be your time and your work in making me more than I ever could have been, that has allowed me to break free, to spread the wings you grew upon my back and fly free of all cages...

Yours and my own.

You speak of fear as though it is a taunt, but I welcome it - I welcome the fear and the pain and the screaming agony of nightmares no longer dreadful to me; in giving me these tools, in teaching me and in being my Salvation, you have built something stronger than even you can understand.

Danger zone... The cage.... They are my chances to prove to you that I have learned and applied, that I appreciate my movement as my own - that though the shadows call my name, there will always be a piece of me who knows I am greater than all of that, always a piece of me will know that I am the true and determined Champion.... For all of Eternity, for all of my life, I have searched for belonging, a place to call home and now I understand, home is not a place... But a person....

For a short time, you were my home; but Danger Zone is moving day; I will find my home within myself... Me, that Championship and I, one happy little family - all thanks to you... So do not fret or feel failings when you are resting within the cage still with the daughter who denied you; my victory in turn will be yours.... Be thankful, it is after all, the only victory you will have that night.

The free bird thinks of another breeze

and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees

and the fat worms waiting on a dawn bright lawn

and he names the sky his own

Every step creaked like an old house complaining that I was encroaching upon his space... The young woman, Alison, followed behind me, as we walked she prattled off some general chit chat about changes she had made to the house; it was a daycare now - rooms that were once thick with terrified silence would be lit up with laughter and squeals of delight now... I let my mind wander as I finished climbing the stairs and approached the room - the door was painted a pretty lilac colour now, a big bright butterfly was stuck to it with the words

- Butterfly room -

"Butterfly?" I whispered, my fingers dancing across the plastic wings of the sticker.

"That's what we call the kids who are moving up to big school... Not really babies anymore, but not quite ready to break out on their own...." Alison smiled, I laughed despite myself and shook my head.

"Sorry..." I started, the first genuine thing I have said since coming here; "It's an inside joke..." Alison just nodded again, before turning to walk down the hall.

"I'll leave you alone for a moment, go on it, have a look around, there are no kids here today anyway...." and with that she disappeared around a corner, walking with an odd intensity as though her direction had purpose.

My hand finds the handle and I swing the door open, bright colours litter all the walls and a shaggy purple carpet covers the old floorboards I scrubbed clean til my fingers bled hundreds of times; there were no beds in here now, just chest upon chest of toys, charts and happy pictures adorned the walls and the room smelt faintly of strawberry jam.... Despite all the changes, despite the bright cheery room and the soft lush carpet, I could hear them, feel them.... I didn't need to turn to know they were there... Waiting for me.

The old cupboard was still there, the doors had been removed and it appeared it was now a cubby with hooks for the children's coats and things... A small bench sat at the bottom where the likely lined up shoes and toys that had brought with them for the day.... I approached the small space, my fingers reaching out before me felt almost cold in the space as I peered into the darkest reaches of the old cupboard, where my old friends hid waiting for me....

"Katie?" Alison's sudden presence startled me and I jumped, smacking my head on the ceiling of the small cubby, I yelped and she rushed forward, dropping the box she had been holding to tend to my head... "Oh my god, I am so sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you!"

"You didn't." I grunt, backing away, offended at the notion.

"Right...Well...." she turns back to the dropped box and waves over it with her hand "When I first moved in, I found these...." I slowly walk over to the yellowing shoe box and it's now spilled contents... "I was wondering if any of it was yours.... Or if you knew who it belonged to...?"

Random trinkets and the odd little bootie had spilled onto the carpet, alongside some creased and old papers; but none of that mattered to me... My eyes were fixated on the photograph. Children, all lined up outside, the sun beaming down on their faces causing them all to squint as they smiled for the camera... And the boy, there in the front row, so very, very familiar....

Jay-Jay they whispered.... Called....

"Is everything ok?" Alison asks and I spin on my heel, staring open mouthed at her for a long moment.... Before I know it my feet are gone with me and I am running down the stairs and out the front door, the heavy old door slams shut behind me but I do not pause or look back over my shoulder, sprinting down and across the long, gravel driveway until I reach my car, sliding in and slamming every lock on I can find... My fumbling and shaking hands find my phone....

It rings for what seems like an Eternity, before finally, I hear his voice on the other side...

"Where are you?" I ask,my other shaking hand clutching the photograph, the squinting eyes of that little boy staring up at me from beneath the peeling and faded gloss...

"I need you."

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams

his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream

his wings are clipped and his feet are tied

so he opens his throat to sing.