Post by Eternity on Apr 23, 2016 21:25:43 GMT
What is this life?
I'm not talking about the meaning, because nothing really means anything in this life until you make it mean something to you personally. And even then, the things you value the most on a personal level mean nothing to everybody else.
It's funny when you really think about it, and there have been so many times in my life when I've been left to do just that.
Think about it I mean, really think about it.
There really wasn't much else to do in Ward 18, after all, so that's what I did.
I thought about it, for four years, it was all I could really do. It was the only thing they left in my control, and only because they had no choice. They couldn't control my thoughts, though they damn sure gave it their best shot.
First it was the pills, then it was the shocks.
Therapy they called it, and why wouldn't they?
It sounds so much nicer, so much more acceptable than what it really was, and what it really means.
Thy rape.
Don't worry my love, it's not the kind of thing you notice immediately, so I'm not surprised you missed it, but it really has been there all this time.
My 'rapist was a remarkably nice man, much nicer than you might expect for a man who insists on probing your most intimate moments whilst also has the gall to charge you by the hour for it. I remember he had the most gentle, kindest eyes I'd ever seen, but then that is how they get you to open up, isn't it?
I'm not talking about the meaning, because nothing really means anything in this life until you make it mean something to you personally. And even then, the things you value the most on a personal level mean nothing to everybody else.
It's funny when you really think about it, and there have been so many times in my life when I've been left to do just that.
Think about it I mean, really think about it.
There really wasn't much else to do in Ward 18, after all, so that's what I did.
I thought about it, for four years, it was all I could really do. It was the only thing they left in my control, and only because they had no choice. They couldn't control my thoughts, though they damn sure gave it their best shot.
First it was the pills, then it was the shocks.
Therapy they called it, and why wouldn't they?
It sounds so much nicer, so much more acceptable than what it really was, and what it really means.
Thy rape.
Don't worry my love, it's not the kind of thing you notice immediately, so I'm not surprised you missed it, but it really has been there all this time.
My 'rapist was a remarkably nice man, much nicer than you might expect for a man who insists on probing your most intimate moments whilst also has the gall to charge you by the hour for it. I remember he had the most gentle, kindest eyes I'd ever seen, but then that is how they get you to open up, isn't it?
~~~~
"I want us to try something different today," the doctor said.
The teenage girl sat across the table from him gave away nothing.
"I want us to start thinking more positively about your life and your future," the doctor continued.
He held her gaze, even as he reached underneath his own chair and presented her with a oakwood box. He set it down carefully on the table, bridging the gap between them, and watched for a reaction.
The box triggered a memory. The haze of her mind took a few moments to clear before she remembered something. Not the box specifically, but a vital part of it. A missing part of it. She began to fixate on the brass lock, the black hole left behind, abandoned, and her eyes widened as she spoke, barely a whisper.
"The key," she said, "Where's the key?"
The doctor smiled as he placed the small brass key on top of the box. She snatched it from there before he could take it back, terrified.
"Where did you get it? You're not supposed to have it. Why do you have it?" she asked, jumping to her feet, "WHY?"
"Calm down, it's alright, your aunt Mary gave it to me to help you."
The teenager now shakes her head violently, whilst grasping the key tightly in the palm of her hand, determined not to let it go.
"NO! YOU CAN'T! You can't! How dare you? How dare she? What gives you the right?"
"We just want to help," said the doctor, maintaining his calm demeanour.
"Then let me go, let me go home."
"Not until you're better," said the doctor.
"What does that even mean?" asked the girl.
The question hangs in the air unanswered.
"What does it mean to you?" asked the doctor.
"You want me to forget what happened to them."
"No, I don't want you to forget what happened," said the doctor, adopting a practiced compassion, "It's okay to grieve, it really is, but you shouldn't let it overwhelm you. You shouldn't let what happened to your parents control your life. You need to see things from a new perspective, that's all."
The girl cocks her head to one side, digesting his words for a moment before sighs and returns to her seat.
The doctor smiles.
"Thank you," he said, "Now why don't you tell me about this box?"
"What do you want to know?"
"Anything you want to tell me. Anything at all," said the doctor reassuringly.
"Do we have to open it?"
"Only if you want to."
"I can't," said the girl, "Not without disturbing his memory."
"His memory? This box belonged to your father?"
"No, his," said the girl.
"Ah I see, so it belonged to your grandfather?"
The teenager nodded now.
"He was such a nice man, I remember, he had the kindest, most gentle eyes I'd ever seen."
She smiled.
~~~~
The question hangs in the air unanswered.
"What does it mean to you?" asked the doctor.
"You want me to forget what happened to them."
"No, I don't want you to forget what happened," said the doctor, adopting a practiced compassion, "It's okay to grieve, it really is, but you shouldn't let it overwhelm you. You shouldn't let what happened to your parents control your life. You need to see things from a new perspective, that's all."
The girl cocks her head to one side, digesting his words for a moment before sighs and returns to her seat.
The doctor smiles.
"Thank you," he said, "Now why don't you tell me about this box?"
"What do you want to know?"
"Anything you want to tell me. Anything at all," said the doctor reassuringly.
"Do we have to open it?"
"Only if you want to."
"I can't," said the girl, "Not without disturbing his memory."
"His memory? This box belonged to your father?"
"No, his," said the girl.
"Ah I see, so it belonged to your grandfather?"
The teenager nodded now.
"He was such a nice man, I remember, he had the kindest, most gentle eyes I'd ever seen."
She smiled.
~~~~
As the pink smoke returns you once more to my world, you find yourself in front of a large archway reminiscent of a castle entrance. On the left is stood a blonde little girl in a bright orange dress, half her face painted white. On the right stood a raven haired girl in a bright purple dress, half her face also painted white, each girl a reflection of the other.
They start singing in unison.
Girls: I never meant to cause you any sorrow
I never meant to cause you any pain
I only watched you once to see you laughing
I only want to see you laughing in the purple rain
You then see me emerge dressed entirely in black, with a black veil hanging over hat and face. My head bowed as I walk, serenaded by the voices of angels.
Girls: Purple rain...
Purple rain...
Purple rain...
Purple rain...
Purple rain...
Purple rain...
You see me lift my head to look at you. My left eye a natural sunken earth brown contrasted with the glistening emerald green of my right. Both natural and unnatural in the asymmetry only half painted down my face. Blonde on the left, streaked hot pink on the right.
You see me then lift the hat from my head and the girls stop singing. They step forward and the raven haired girl takes it from me whilst the blonde offers me her hand and leads me to a simple wooden cane chair in the middle of the dimly lit room.
You watch me take a seat before a red head in a bright turquoise dress steps out of the shadows all around us and presents me with a wooden box, probably oak. It looked priceless, an antique with its brass hinges and lock.
It is only after you see me accept the offering that you notice something you'd never seen before, a small brass key hanging around my neck.
They start singing in unison.
Girls: I never meant to cause you any sorrow
I never meant to cause you any pain
I only watched you once to see you laughing
I only want to see you laughing in the purple rain
You then see me emerge dressed entirely in black, with a black veil hanging over hat and face. My head bowed as I walk, serenaded by the voices of angels.
Girls: Purple rain...
Purple rain...
Purple rain...
Purple rain...
Purple rain...
Purple rain...
You see me lift my head to look at you. My left eye a natural sunken earth brown contrasted with the glistening emerald green of my right. Both natural and unnatural in the asymmetry only half painted down my face. Blonde on the left, streaked hot pink on the right.
You see me then lift the hat from my head and the girls stop singing. They step forward and the raven haired girl takes it from me whilst the blonde offers me her hand and leads me to a simple wooden cane chair in the middle of the dimly lit room.
You watch me take a seat before a red head in a bright turquoise dress steps out of the shadows all around us and presents me with a wooden box, probably oak. It looked priceless, an antique with its brass hinges and lock.
It is only after you see me accept the offering that you notice something you'd never seen before, a small brass key hanging around my neck.
Destiny.
It really is a naughty little word, isn't it?
It's one of those words that everybody uses but nobody really understands, so they just let it mean whatever they need it to mean in the moment. Like life, death and love. They're all naughty little words you use without ever really understanding what you're saying or what you mean.
Such a meaningless little life you've lead, haven't you Kayla?
Such a meaningless little love you've shared, haven't you Kayla?
So who are you to demand anything else from your destiny? Who are you to expect anything else from me?
Anything other than utter meaningless. It's what we all crave. It's what we all seek. It's what pushes each of us forward. We need to know that what we do whilst we're here matters to someone, anyone, everyone. We need to know there's a place for us in whatever grand purpose there is beyond all this, beyond all of us.
We all want to feel important, we all need to be remembered and we all crave some kind of significance in this life.
I have given you all of that Kayla, everything you could ever want, everything you've ever needed.
A sense of importance, a reason to be remembered. Significance.
You cannot be a leader without also being a target, and so you were for me, twice.
I have already given you so much more than you deserve, so much more than you could ever understand. I have given you back almost everything Shea took from you, I have given you hope for a life after the Shieldmaiden, but for as much as I have given you, my charity is not infinite.
Neither is my patience, Kayla.
As long as you have waited at the foot of the mountain, I have waited longer. I have waited for you to understand exactly what it is you're demanding when you demand the world from me.
You want to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, just like my little Lexi before me and your big Amber before you. Families can get so competitive, can't they Kayla?
Poor baby, still trying to prove your worth to people who aren't even here any more. Your family, they've left you all alone, to face the big wide world all on your own. Just like my family left me. I know what that's like, I know exactly what that's like.
It still doesn't make us equal.
It still doesn't get any better, and it still won't make you any better, trust me.
I've watched you come face to face with the past and the future. I saw you burn once, right down to ash. I could not watch you go through it all again, so I saved you from the fire, but only because when I offered you up to the flames, she wouldn't take you, so here we are, three worlds between us.
One for each Maiden, I suppose.
Isn't that nice?
You see me smile.
One of iron, two of steel.
Everybody always told me I was the odd one out, and you believe them, don't you Kayla?
That's why you want to lock me up and take the world away from me, just like they all did once upon a time. Only this isn't your fairytale, you won't put me sleep, because you're not my Mommy.
You see me shake my head.
No, Kayla! Bad Kayla!
You can't tuck me away nice and tight, because you're not my Daddy.
It's nothing personal, I hope you understand. Not everybody can...
You see me then look down at the wooden box that has been sat in my lap this whole time. You watch me gently blow years of dust away from the top of it, before caressing the lid softly with my palm.
You hear me exhale deeply, almost a sigh.
It's quite a responsibility, isn't it Kayla? Not letting your past define you, not letting it overwhelm you. No wonder you've never quite managed it. No wonder you couldn't overcome Ashley or reconcile the loss of your Shieldmaiden. It still weighs you down, doesn't it? The weight of expectation placed upon you. Some things really aren't that easy to keep locked away, after all, are they Kayla?
Still you're going to do your best, aren't you? Whatever the hell that means...
You see me shake my head and whisper an apology to the box in my lap.
Sorry...
That's just not how it works, princess...
You see me then lift the box and present it to the shadows before me. A little girl, a brunette in a green dress steps up to claim it, as the redhead returns, this time carrying the Diamonds World Championship which she gives to me.
"Take it from me child, life never quite works out the way you want it to," he said.
Oh how right he was!
He was a wise old man, my Grandpa. Sometimes I wish I'd listened to him more. You can learn a lot from your elders, if you just take the time to listen, but somehow we never do, do we Kayla? There's never enough time for the last generation, is there, Kayla?
No, not for us.
Not for the next generation.
Not until it's too late. Far too late to ever go back to the way things once were, for us both Kayla. There is no turning back on the road of life. It goes on and on and on, the world keeps turning for me, for all Eternity. Things were always better in your past, there is no time like the present, and your future remains as uncertain as mine or anybody else's.
Your time was once as bright as it is now unknown. So bright that it blinded you. You turned a blind eye to the past and to the future, now all that lays before you is the eternity in between.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel for both of us, Kayla.
Only where you see a just a beginning, I see only an end. The world you see is not the one I will ever live in.
Destiny is death. Death is destiny.
For one of us, for all of us...
It really is a naughty little word, isn't it?
It's one of those words that everybody uses but nobody really understands, so they just let it mean whatever they need it to mean in the moment. Like life, death and love. They're all naughty little words you use without ever really understanding what you're saying or what you mean.
Such a meaningless little life you've lead, haven't you Kayla?
Such a meaningless little love you've shared, haven't you Kayla?
So who are you to demand anything else from your destiny? Who are you to expect anything else from me?
Anything other than utter meaningless. It's what we all crave. It's what we all seek. It's what pushes each of us forward. We need to know that what we do whilst we're here matters to someone, anyone, everyone. We need to know there's a place for us in whatever grand purpose there is beyond all this, beyond all of us.
We all want to feel important, we all need to be remembered and we all crave some kind of significance in this life.
I have given you all of that Kayla, everything you could ever want, everything you've ever needed.
A sense of importance, a reason to be remembered. Significance.
You cannot be a leader without also being a target, and so you were for me, twice.
I have already given you so much more than you deserve, so much more than you could ever understand. I have given you back almost everything Shea took from you, I have given you hope for a life after the Shieldmaiden, but for as much as I have given you, my charity is not infinite.
Neither is my patience, Kayla.
As long as you have waited at the foot of the mountain, I have waited longer. I have waited for you to understand exactly what it is you're demanding when you demand the world from me.
You want to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, just like my little Lexi before me and your big Amber before you. Families can get so competitive, can't they Kayla?
Poor baby, still trying to prove your worth to people who aren't even here any more. Your family, they've left you all alone, to face the big wide world all on your own. Just like my family left me. I know what that's like, I know exactly what that's like.
It still doesn't make us equal.
It still doesn't get any better, and it still won't make you any better, trust me.
I've watched you come face to face with the past and the future. I saw you burn once, right down to ash. I could not watch you go through it all again, so I saved you from the fire, but only because when I offered you up to the flames, she wouldn't take you, so here we are, three worlds between us.
One for each Maiden, I suppose.
Isn't that nice?
You see me smile.
One of iron, two of steel.
Everybody always told me I was the odd one out, and you believe them, don't you Kayla?
That's why you want to lock me up and take the world away from me, just like they all did once upon a time. Only this isn't your fairytale, you won't put me sleep, because you're not my Mommy.
You see me shake my head.
No, Kayla! Bad Kayla!
You can't tuck me away nice and tight, because you're not my Daddy.
It's nothing personal, I hope you understand. Not everybody can...
You see me then look down at the wooden box that has been sat in my lap this whole time. You watch me gently blow years of dust away from the top of it, before caressing the lid softly with my palm.
You hear me exhale deeply, almost a sigh.
It's quite a responsibility, isn't it Kayla? Not letting your past define you, not letting it overwhelm you. No wonder you've never quite managed it. No wonder you couldn't overcome Ashley or reconcile the loss of your Shieldmaiden. It still weighs you down, doesn't it? The weight of expectation placed upon you. Some things really aren't that easy to keep locked away, after all, are they Kayla?
Still you're going to do your best, aren't you? Whatever the hell that means...
You see me shake my head and whisper an apology to the box in my lap.
Sorry...
That's just not how it works, princess...
You see me then lift the box and present it to the shadows before me. A little girl, a brunette in a green dress steps up to claim it, as the redhead returns, this time carrying the Diamonds World Championship which she gives to me.
"Take it from me child, life never quite works out the way you want it to," he said.
Oh how right he was!
He was a wise old man, my Grandpa. Sometimes I wish I'd listened to him more. You can learn a lot from your elders, if you just take the time to listen, but somehow we never do, do we Kayla? There's never enough time for the last generation, is there, Kayla?
No, not for us.
Not for the next generation.
Not until it's too late. Far too late to ever go back to the way things once were, for us both Kayla. There is no turning back on the road of life. It goes on and on and on, the world keeps turning for me, for all Eternity. Things were always better in your past, there is no time like the present, and your future remains as uncertain as mine or anybody else's.
Your time was once as bright as it is now unknown. So bright that it blinded you. You turned a blind eye to the past and to the future, now all that lays before you is the eternity in between.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel for both of us, Kayla.
Only where you see a just a beginning, I see only an end. The world you see is not the one I will ever live in.
Destiny is death. Death is destiny.
For one of us, for all of us...
Well howdy there pardner.