Post by Craig on Jul 19, 2013 19:45:44 GMT
"Sometimes I just wonder why. Why is this worth it? Why is it worth trying to forge through the weeds and to still bother in this career. I've done everything a wrestler could possibly do so its not like I'm chasing immortality because I've already achieved it. Everything, I've done it in these last nine years. Yet I still go out to the ring to feel that rush when the crowd gets on their feet and go insane. That rush when I step into that ring is like a drug.
Yet lately I've been getting nothing. Mist to the eyes, twice, and I was pinned by our esteemed tag team champions on Monday night. In the past month I have had mist sprayed in my eyes twice. In the past month I've lost nearly everything I've held near to me. Family wants nothing to do with me. I have no home to go to. I am this island unto myself and I don't know what to do anymore. Is anything really worth this? Is going what I've gone through in the past month worth what the end goal is?
On Sunday night I go against Bushido for the IWF Cruiserweight Championship. My first title shot of any kind in this company that I earned by leaving Alex Jones in that cell last month. I don't know if I'm worthy of this shot anymore. I lost to Jake. The champion enjoys spraying that red mist into my eyes every single chance he's able to get. How can I possibly feel confident walking into this match right now?
Nothing has gone right, nothing. I had this plan mapped out in my head of how this would go and it simply hasn't. I thought Bushido would've walked to that ring, told me I accept your challenge, shake my hand and we'd act like gentlemen wanting to put on a show. Instead he sends a woman out there to tell me he might take it into consideration before the first spraying happened. Then, again, last week he sprays me again with that red mist.
What do I have to fight against him with? These wrestling skills that have been failing me for quite some time now? The ability to kick people really hard so they don't stay down? Nothing I can do right now will make me think I honestly have a chance against Bushido on Sunday night. Then I need to remind myself of something. I need to remind myself that after the past nine years and all the shit I've gone through this would bring everything I've done into full circle.
April 25th, 2004, a young and starry eyed Reckless Jack walks into a sold out arena against a man who had more experience in a title match. I walked out that night with a Cruiserweight Title in my grasp. I was bloody, I was bruised and I felt this sick sense of pride. This sense of pride knowing that I had accomplished a goal so soon into my career. I looked at that first belt, Bushido, and I smiled. I knew that after only a month I had made it into this business.
So while I feel down about my personal life I just need to remind myself that this isn't my first time to the dance. I've been in this position before and despite suffering a nearly broken jaw, mist in my eyes twice there is still this a part of me that knows at Lineage I can walk out of the night with this Cruiserweight Title.
Bushido might think he has this advantage over me because of what he's done over the past month or so. That mist, that title to my face and my eyes still burn. I can still see the imprint of the title on my forehead a little bit but despite all of that when I look into that first title, that Cruiserweight Title I won over nine years ago some of the doubt goes away. On the streets people come up to me and say when are you going to retire, Brad?
When are you finally going to hang up the kickpads for good and disappear into a normal life? I can't admit defeat. I haven't in my career and I still won't do so. Nothing has kept me down in these last nine years. Bushido's tried with his little bag of trick including that walk out in our match last week to make me fend for myself but still standing, champ. I'm still here and I'm starting to feel it again right now.
The more I think about this the better I feel. I've beaten Bushido before. The man has never pinned my shoulders to the mat. The man has never made me tap out in the middle of the ring. What do you really have Bushido? You claimed this title in a ladder match much as I did my first championship. Do you know what happened the first time I had to defend that title? I got pinned in the middle of the ring.
The mirror image of my first title win leading into this one is just too much of a conicidence to me. Full circle, Bushido. You can't fight what destiny is sometimes. This is mine. This is the world's way of telling me after I beat you at Lineage that it's over with. You end it the same way you started with a Cruiserweight Title. Then I will go down as the greatest Crusierweight, Light Heavyweight or Junior Heavyweight wrestler of all time.
I guess self pep talks do work sometimes...
Peace."
-----
My home for the week, a hotel room. Not allowed to go home anymore until I get past this supposed crazy episode I'm going through. Nina wants nothing to do with me and yet I can't let this go. So I sit in this hotel room looking out the window. The people driving on the roads make me shake my head a little bit. So mane people not realizing how quickly life can change. You think you're not yourself and suddenly you're labeled into being a crazy dude. The only positive I can find right now in my life is music. The soft yet haunting lyrics from AFI fill the room right now as I dwell on what's happened.
~~I cannot stay here, I cannot leave
Just like all I loved, I'm make believe
Imagined heart, I disappear
Seems... no one will appear here and make me real~~
I wish for some rain right now to wash away the bird shit on the windows but I get nothing from the sky. I haven't heard from any of my family since Evan told me off on the car ride to my flight for last weekend's shows. This island I'm on is a road I walk alone. I need no one's help because no one really gives a shit about me or what I'm going through.
The song kicks into high gear now before I press the skip button. Shit's making me way too emotional right now. Keeping the tears in the past few days have been hard. Just to know that woman I love, who promised to help me through times like this wants nothing to do with me is a tough pill to swallow. The temptation to break the window is strong. I've gone from sorrow to anger so many times this week that it baffles me that I have this range of emotion.
Some might consider this isolation to be self imposed but it's not. Not in a single moment in time they could've looked at this from my side. They chose not to. They've driven me to this. Every single person who has labeled me as crazy will have this on their hands when I get to the truth. I know we're so close to Lineage but I have to go see Alastair soon.
There is no other explaination. I hear a knock on the door. I'm not expecting anyone so this is a surprise. Maybe it's Freya and even Spike. The peep hole allows me to be a little surprised to see my son, Christopher with a suitcase and a backpack. I open the door and before I can say anything he cuts me off.
Chris: Nina kicked me for believing you, dad. She doesn't want any of this around her and the other kids. So I figured out what hotel you were in so you're not alone anymore.
I nod my head. I don't smile but I welcome him in anyways. Nina's gone further off the deep end then I thought she would have. Why is she reacting like this. Chris throws his stuff onto a spare bed and sits down before sighing.
Chris: She's just been militant about this lately. Don't know why either. It's been stupid. All of what's gone on is too nice and neat. I read your journal before you left and it made sense. Hope you want the help...
Brad: Thank you, son.
Chris: You're welcome. Let's get to work.
Isolation ends now. Chris will help but not like having Nina at my side. I need to figure this out and quickly...
Well howdy there pardner.