Post by Eddie D. on Jul 25, 2013 13:33:04 GMT
The following tale is an out of continuity story of Spike's and my road trip that got horribly side tracked last week. The name's and places of those involved have been changed to protect their secret identies.
Enjoy.
Spike: What do you mean we're lost?!
{ Open on Rob driving the Kane family RV, Spike sitting in the passenger seat glaring at Rob. Rob taps his index finger against the screen of the GPS. }
Rob: Man, it says Boston is right here!
{ Spike looks out the window at the Golden Gate bridge. }
Spike: THIS DOESN'T LOOK LIKE BOSTON!!!!
Rob: I KNOW!!!!
{ Rob slams on the brakes and you can hear an entire city's worth of horns going off at them. Spikes head flies forward and then backward in his seat. }
Spike: WHAT THE HELL!!!
Rob: STOP YELLING AT ME!!!!!
{ Spike holds his head in his hands and breaths. }
Spike: Alright, clearly we got turned around somewhere. All we gotta go is head east and pick up a major high way, I'm sure two smart gentlemen such as ourselves can figure out how to atleast get back to New England.
Rob: Uh Spike....
Spike: How the hell we got all teh way to San Francisco I will never know!
Rob: Hey uh Spike...
Spike: I mean it's not like all those signs saying we were going WEST should of been a clue or anything.
Rob: SPIKE!
Spike: WHAT!?
Rob: Look outside...
{ Spike looks out the window to see a man with beautiful blond hair, the bluest eyes you'be ever seen, orange chest arm, green scale looking pants and a giant ass golden trident. }
Spike: Is that...
Rob: Aquaman? Yeah... Think so...
{ Aquaman approaches the RV. }
Aquaman: You there, are you the one known as Lord Dominicus?
{ Rob points at himself and Spike, Spike just points at Rob. Rob looks at Spike and just drops his head before he rolls down the window and sticks his head out. }
Rob: Yeah... I'm him...
Aquaman: Good. I am here to request your assistance.
Rob: Huh?
Aquaman: A great evil has attacked my home, an evil we are not prepared to do battle with. I have learned through my time viewing your surface dweller movies that sometimes you have to battle evil with an even greater evil, and Lord Dominicus is the greatest evil of them all.
{ Rob pops his non existent collar. }
Rob: Well I have been known to kick some serious ass in my day.
Aquaman: Good, then you and your side kick will come with me immediately.
Spike: Side what???
{ Before Spike can even fully express his anger the RV is lifted up in a giant wave. Rob quickly rolls up the window as if that would protect them from the massive pressure of the water. Before they know it they are being carried on the back of a white whale toward the bottom of the ocean. Rob looks excited as all hell, Spike just shakes his head. }
Spike: So, before we get into something we can't handle do you even have any of your Lord Dominicus crap with you?
{ Rob's excitement suddenly fades. }
Rob: No...
Spike: So exactly how are we going to battle this great evil?
{ Rob looks right at the camera and smiles. }
Rob: Dude, we're InFamous. We'll figure it out.
{ We'll be right back after these messages! }
HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!
JOE EVERYMAN IS THE FIRST EVER IMPERIAL GOD DAMN CHAMPION!!!!!!!!!!
Man, I don't know if hell froze over or you just made the sweetest deal with the devil ever but DAMN MAN! Congratulations are in order. How long has it been buddy? Seven? Eight years struggling to get to the top and you finally pulled it off? I'm not even trying to mock you, I'm legit proud for ya man. That's awesome.
I mean, not to sound like a d-bag face or anything but I'm one of the few who always believed in ya, even if I pissed all over your every success until the moment you proved us all wrong. No but seriously, I'm really happy for ya man, you earned it and I'm glad oh so many of the old guard from ncw are here to finally see Joe Everyman hold a major title over your head so you can tell them personally to suck your fat balls.
I mean, I would...
So, here we are, Joe Everyman the first ever Imperial Champion, tagging up with the man he beat to earn that belt, Lex Sense to take on the team of...
Wait for it...
THE IWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD!!!!!
THE GOD OF XTREME SPIKE KANE!!!!
THE MASTER OF DISASTER ROB DIAMOND!!!!
THE NEW AGE INFAMOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And BY GOD are we ride an awesome wave of success rolling into this week. I mean, not like the crazy wave that's swept up the ever averagely attractive Joe Everyman, but considering Spike and I have laid waste to an entire division in less than 60 days, I'd say our wave is pretty goddamn awesome.
Wouldn't you?
And the thing about awesome waves is that the can sometimes make for great disaster flicks, and if you paid attention to my latest nick name that just so happens to be something I'm a master of...
Disaster...
So while I'd love to walk into this week and just watch the Joe Everyman success train just keep rolling down the tracks, Spike and I are going to have to put a great big block in front of the EverySense express and bring ya to a grinding and ever so painful halt.
Sorry, it's what we do best.
I mean, I'm happy for ya Joe, I always knew you had it in you, unfortunately as happy as I am, I'd be much happier knowing I just pinned the new Imperial Champion dead center in the middle of the ring after damn near snapping his neck with a Diamond Cutter. I mean that? That would just be a perfect end to my week. Ya see, I've been having a pretty crappy couple of monthes, nothing like the eventual Lifetime movie that is your life, but pretty crappy. I had to stand side by side with Spike and fight for the safety of our damn kids. That was intense! And while Spike and I walked away victorious from that battle I'm still pretty amped up.
See, when this whole thing started I really wanted to turn a new leaf like I explained to Cyrus and Stephie last week. But after what those assclowns put us through I realized something.
I don't need to change.
I've been me since day one, and being me has gotten me pretty damn far. I've been world champion, I've been a multi time tag champion, Spike and I are currently at the beginning of what will be known as the greatest championship run in the history of the whole freaking universe and we're doing that not because we're nice guys. We aren't. We're not your typical face or heel or whatever. We're us. And being us has made us legends.
While people like you have had to claw your way out of the dirt tooth and nail just for the possibility to face people like us, we've been here since day one doing what we do best.
Kicking ass.
And just because we're proud of you doesn't mean we're going to stop. See Joe, the road only gets harder from here. You think it was tough getting that belt? You think your done fighting? Man, I've been where you are, I've been on top of a company and there is only one place to go once you're there and that's straight down. And everyone you consider a friend, everyone that helped pick you up when you were down, each one of the, now sees that giant ass target you're wearing around your waist and I promise you Joe, they will come for you.
Hell, I already plan on making a statement in the ring with you this week, I'm sure Spike does and if you think Lex Sense is really going to have your back, you better think twice. Lex Sense doesn't just a knife ready to stab you in the back, he's got a broad sword ready to take off your head.
But hey, no worries. Enjoy the moment Joe because the moment is over the second you step in the ring with InFamous.
And then there was SEXY LEXI!!!! Boy it must suck to be you right now, not only did you fall COMPLETELY on your face after spending an entire MONTH talking out of your ass, you did so to the man that was by and large considered the biggest joke on the planet.
Credit where credit is due, I always knew Joe had it in him and while he just validated the SHIT out of his career, you just proved to us that all you are, were and ever will be is one big giant walking LIE!
I mean, not only did Joe Everyman beat you clean in the center of the ring, he did so without flinching! Without even the slightest hint of fear for you in his heart. The man looked the self proclaimed devil or whatever you're calling yourself now in the eyes and then punched you square in the nose. Forget about the abyss looking back, Joe took a big old piss into the abyss and then dropped a deuce on your chest before raising that Imperial Title above his head.
In short, IT HAS GOT TO SUCK TO BE LEX SENSE!
Of course you're going to mask how much it sucks to be you with the usual dark and foreboding trash talk which if you really look into it is just a clever way of saying the exact same thing you've been saying for the last two and a half years...
"I AM THE DARKNESS FOR WHICH THERE IS NO SALVATION BECAUSE I WILL USE MY DARKNESS TO BRING AN END TO THE LIGHT FOR WHICH THERE IS NO SALVATION FROM DARKNESS AND DESTRUCTION AND MY HANDS SLOWLY CRUSHING YOU WITH DARKNESS AND DARKNESS AND EVIL AND DARKNESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!"
I'ts actually really clever how you've convinced the entire world you're even saying anything different but hey, that's the reason some of us become Imperial Champions and some of us continue to spin our tires in the mud...
Now I'm sure you're going to disregard everything I've just said and just go right ahead and threaten to injure me and maim me and make me your bitch or something awesome. And I'm sure we''re just going to go ahead and forget how I've beaten you in I'm pretty sure every other match I've ever faced in and how you've failed EVERY single time to even so much as bruise my delicate skin. Which is all well and good because I'm going to ignore the fact that you THINK you're someone worth worrying about.
Thing is Lex, every career you think you've ended, every life you think you've ruined, every accomplishment you think you have that you've clung to for your relatively short professional wrestling career is nothing more than a PALE REFLECTION of Spike Kane and Rob Diamond.
I mean sure, you've done some things that some people consider impressive. But I promise you Lex, without going into excruciating detail, every tiny little accomplishment you've ever had, Spike and I did bigger, bloodier and before you even dreamed of it. See, you're one of those people that has to tell everyone how afraid of you they should be because ya figure if you win the mind games before the match everything else will come easy.
We don't like it easy.
We want our opponents to think they've got something over us, so that way, when Spike and I completely ass rape their dreams and make them look like the biggest pieces of crap that have ever lived, they don't see it coming.
Ask Criminal Intent. They thought they had us on the ropes for an entire month, hell they were taking credit for us breaking up and winning the belts a week after we won the damn things.
Then again, you could lull yourself into a false sense of security, assure both us and yourself that you've got this match in the bag and pretty much make the same mistake everyone else has ever made when they step into the ring with Rob Diamond and Spike Kane.
We don't NEED to tell you we're sick monsters with an unquenchable blood lust, just wouldn't be fair to warn ya like that.
And finally there is Tifa Heafy.
Now I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say to you girl because I'm not going to be wrestling you but I've been told it's a big no no to not address, so I'm addressing you.
Truth be told, you're cute as hell and trained by someone that I've had a crush on for quite a few years, Freya Kane, which is awesome. That girl can wrestle with the best of them. And apparently so can you. You've made quite the name for yourself in IWF so far even if it doesn annoy the crap out of some of the more "Bitchier" members of the roster.
Honestly, I wouldn't bother giving them the time of day if I were you. See, people like that are just pissed off that someone as supposedly green as yourself is doing in your first year what it took them ten to do. You're turning heads, making a name, working your way up the roster and you can understand why a grizzled vet like Aly or Ayla or Emma would get pissed off.
I mean seriously, what have they done lately?
I love you Aly, please don't kick me out of your house...
That being said, we've got a pretty sweet partner in Ayla St. James. She's probably one of the best damn female wrestlers in the industry today, mostly because she gets a daily injection of Hall of Fame from her boy toy, Falcon. No but seriously, she's pretty damn good and I wouldn't look past her. The biggest mistake someone in your shoes can do is get an ego this early. The important thing is to just walk into the match and think of her like you've thought of everyone else and assuming Lex or Joe don't screw this up for you, MAYBE you'll pull off the upset for your team.
I mean, I wouldn't bet on money on it because Spike and I are looking to make a statement and that is that we alone are the single greatest collection of wrestlers in IWF today and we will do that by any means necessary, even bringing Joe Everyman's celebration to an abrupt halt with a swift kick in the balls...
So what I'm saying is Tif, don't get your hopes up. Like, at all.
But good luck and all that crap.
EverySense is going to need it.
{ Back. Rob and Spike are standing in the center of what once was the sprawling city of Atlantis, now it is reduced to mostly rubble as the Atlantians have been fighting a losing battle against a great enemy. }
Rob: Shit...
Spike: Still so sure we can handle this?
{ Aquaman steps before them and observes his once great city. }
Aquaman: It is sad to think what this city was just a few weeks ago.
Rob: Yeah, bet it was sweet. So, this evil... Where is it at?
{ Rob barely gets to finish the question when there is a great explosion in the "air" over Atlantis. A giant worm hole opens up and giant ass snake like monster wearing armor like in the Avengers movie comes out. Behind it are several dozen of those flying skiff things and at the forefront of them is LOKI!!!!!! }
Rob: Ah... I see...
{ Loki points his staff at the buildings and the people and begins to fire. The monster begins destroying everything it can fly into. Aquaman turns, panicked and looks to Rob and Spike to do something. }
Aquaman: They are arrived!
Rob: Yup.
Spike: Dude, the hell do we do?
Rob: This.
{ Rob turns and kicks Aquaman square in the balls. The blond haired king of Atlantis drops to his knees. Rob rips the trident from his hands and looks down upon him. }
Aquaman: W... Why?
Rob: Why? Dude, I'm LORD FREAKING DOMINICUS! This is what I do, right Loki!?
{ Rob looks up to Loki as he flies by and gives Rob the thumbs up. }
Aquaman: GUARDS!!!!
{ Suddenly where they are standing is flooded with guards. Rob points the trident as Spike looks all around him. }
Spike: Well I guess this is as good a time as any to let you in on my secret...
Rob: Secret?
Spike: IT'S MORPHING TIME!!!!
{ Spike suddenly whips out a morpher and after a flash of crazy green light he stands there in full Green Ranger garb. He pulls out the sweet flute/dagger and begins to do battle with the guards. Rob shakes his head and laughs as he begins to use the trident to battle the guards. Aquaman slowly gets back to his feet. }
Rob: YEAH!!!!
{ Rob gets whipped around by Aquaman who punches him square in the nose. Rob shakes his head then smacks Aquaman upside the head with the trident. Aquaman staggers and Rob swings again, he rolls under the swing. Aquaman gets to his feet and ducks another swing before kicking Rob in the back. Rob spin around and catches Aquaman in the jaw with his own trident then without warning he rams the pointy end right into the midsection of Aquaman! Of course due to the PG 13 nature of our programming there is no blood. Rob rams Aquaman up against the wall as the burning city of Atlantis profiles the two of them. }
Aquamna: This... Was your... Plan all along...
Rob: Damn right.
Aquaman: Now... You... Will rule...
Rob: This wasn't about your city. It was about the trident. I'm a collector.
Aquaman: Damn... You...
{ Aquaman's head slumps over and Rob removes the trident from him. He turns to see Spike has taken care of all the guards. He looks over to see most of Atlantis destroyed and Loki having just landed beside them. Loki exits his skiff thing and walks over to the two members of InFamous. }
Loki: We did it then?
Rob: Hell yeah we did.
Spike: So you two got any other plans I should know about?
{ Spike pops his helmet off as Rob and Loki look at each other before looking back at Spike. }
Loki: The Masters of Evil always have more plans.
Rob: Yeah, ever hear of the InHumans and the Tarigan mists?
{ Spike looks back and forth between them and laughs. The three of them turn to face us, Rob, Spike and Loki... THE MASTERS OF EVIL!!!!!!! }
And that is the story of the day the Masters of Evil took over Atlantis. Yeah, it happened. In an out of continuity sort of way...
Lineage has come and gone, Spike and I restored balance to the world by destroying Criminal Intent. Teach those mama-jama's to threaten our kids. But the real kicker comes after the show, backstage in the locker room, everything is winding down. Main event is going down, everyone is gathered around the tv watching it, save for me. I'm toward the back, showered and read to head out. I grab my phone and check my texts...
Nothing...
I scroll down to "Claire Austen" my high school sweet heart, the girl I was with the night I did something stupid and got my ass arrested. I click her name and decide to throw her a text, haven't heard from her since that night and up until the cops showed up I thought we were having a pretty sweet time...
Hey Claire, it's Rob. Wassup??
Hope you watched Spike and I kick some ass tonight, it was more fun than it looked.
Anyway, haven't heard from ya since a few weeks ago and I was hoping we could get together maybe this week.
TTYL
I hit send, tuck my phone in my pocket and grab my bag. I look over to the tv and catch the end of Lineage, it brings a smile to my face. Damn right Joe, you made it. I head out and my phone dings. I pull it back out, Claire responded.
Please don't text me again...
Yeah... Figured...
Enjoy.
Spike: What do you mean we're lost?!
{ Open on Rob driving the Kane family RV, Spike sitting in the passenger seat glaring at Rob. Rob taps his index finger against the screen of the GPS. }
Rob: Man, it says Boston is right here!
{ Spike looks out the window at the Golden Gate bridge. }
Spike: THIS DOESN'T LOOK LIKE BOSTON!!!!
Rob: I KNOW!!!!
{ Rob slams on the brakes and you can hear an entire city's worth of horns going off at them. Spikes head flies forward and then backward in his seat. }
Spike: WHAT THE HELL!!!
Rob: STOP YELLING AT ME!!!!!
{ Spike holds his head in his hands and breaths. }
Spike: Alright, clearly we got turned around somewhere. All we gotta go is head east and pick up a major high way, I'm sure two smart gentlemen such as ourselves can figure out how to atleast get back to New England.
Rob: Uh Spike....
Spike: How the hell we got all teh way to San Francisco I will never know!
Rob: Hey uh Spike...
Spike: I mean it's not like all those signs saying we were going WEST should of been a clue or anything.
Rob: SPIKE!
Spike: WHAT!?
Rob: Look outside...
{ Spike looks out the window to see a man with beautiful blond hair, the bluest eyes you'be ever seen, orange chest arm, green scale looking pants and a giant ass golden trident. }
Spike: Is that...
Rob: Aquaman? Yeah... Think so...
{ Aquaman approaches the RV. }
Aquaman: You there, are you the one known as Lord Dominicus?
{ Rob points at himself and Spike, Spike just points at Rob. Rob looks at Spike and just drops his head before he rolls down the window and sticks his head out. }
Rob: Yeah... I'm him...
Aquaman: Good. I am here to request your assistance.
Rob: Huh?
Aquaman: A great evil has attacked my home, an evil we are not prepared to do battle with. I have learned through my time viewing your surface dweller movies that sometimes you have to battle evil with an even greater evil, and Lord Dominicus is the greatest evil of them all.
{ Rob pops his non existent collar. }
Rob: Well I have been known to kick some serious ass in my day.
Aquaman: Good, then you and your side kick will come with me immediately.
Spike: Side what???
{ Before Spike can even fully express his anger the RV is lifted up in a giant wave. Rob quickly rolls up the window as if that would protect them from the massive pressure of the water. Before they know it they are being carried on the back of a white whale toward the bottom of the ocean. Rob looks excited as all hell, Spike just shakes his head. }
Spike: So, before we get into something we can't handle do you even have any of your Lord Dominicus crap with you?
{ Rob's excitement suddenly fades. }
Rob: No...
Spike: So exactly how are we going to battle this great evil?
{ Rob looks right at the camera and smiles. }
Rob: Dude, we're InFamous. We'll figure it out.
{ We'll be right back after these messages! }
HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!
JOE EVERYMAN IS THE FIRST EVER IMPERIAL GOD DAMN CHAMPION!!!!!!!!!!
Man, I don't know if hell froze over or you just made the sweetest deal with the devil ever but DAMN MAN! Congratulations are in order. How long has it been buddy? Seven? Eight years struggling to get to the top and you finally pulled it off? I'm not even trying to mock you, I'm legit proud for ya man. That's awesome.
I mean, not to sound like a d-bag face or anything but I'm one of the few who always believed in ya, even if I pissed all over your every success until the moment you proved us all wrong. No but seriously, I'm really happy for ya man, you earned it and I'm glad oh so many of the old guard from ncw are here to finally see Joe Everyman hold a major title over your head so you can tell them personally to suck your fat balls.
I mean, I would...
So, here we are, Joe Everyman the first ever Imperial Champion, tagging up with the man he beat to earn that belt, Lex Sense to take on the team of...
Wait for it...
THE IWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD!!!!!
THE GOD OF XTREME SPIKE KANE!!!!
THE MASTER OF DISASTER ROB DIAMOND!!!!
THE NEW AGE INFAMOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And BY GOD are we ride an awesome wave of success rolling into this week. I mean, not like the crazy wave that's swept up the ever averagely attractive Joe Everyman, but considering Spike and I have laid waste to an entire division in less than 60 days, I'd say our wave is pretty goddamn awesome.
Wouldn't you?
And the thing about awesome waves is that the can sometimes make for great disaster flicks, and if you paid attention to my latest nick name that just so happens to be something I'm a master of...
Disaster...
So while I'd love to walk into this week and just watch the Joe Everyman success train just keep rolling down the tracks, Spike and I are going to have to put a great big block in front of the EverySense express and bring ya to a grinding and ever so painful halt.
Sorry, it's what we do best.
I mean, I'm happy for ya Joe, I always knew you had it in you, unfortunately as happy as I am, I'd be much happier knowing I just pinned the new Imperial Champion dead center in the middle of the ring after damn near snapping his neck with a Diamond Cutter. I mean that? That would just be a perfect end to my week. Ya see, I've been having a pretty crappy couple of monthes, nothing like the eventual Lifetime movie that is your life, but pretty crappy. I had to stand side by side with Spike and fight for the safety of our damn kids. That was intense! And while Spike and I walked away victorious from that battle I'm still pretty amped up.
See, when this whole thing started I really wanted to turn a new leaf like I explained to Cyrus and Stephie last week. But after what those assclowns put us through I realized something.
I don't need to change.
I've been me since day one, and being me has gotten me pretty damn far. I've been world champion, I've been a multi time tag champion, Spike and I are currently at the beginning of what will be known as the greatest championship run in the history of the whole freaking universe and we're doing that not because we're nice guys. We aren't. We're not your typical face or heel or whatever. We're us. And being us has made us legends.
While people like you have had to claw your way out of the dirt tooth and nail just for the possibility to face people like us, we've been here since day one doing what we do best.
Kicking ass.
And just because we're proud of you doesn't mean we're going to stop. See Joe, the road only gets harder from here. You think it was tough getting that belt? You think your done fighting? Man, I've been where you are, I've been on top of a company and there is only one place to go once you're there and that's straight down. And everyone you consider a friend, everyone that helped pick you up when you were down, each one of the, now sees that giant ass target you're wearing around your waist and I promise you Joe, they will come for you.
Hell, I already plan on making a statement in the ring with you this week, I'm sure Spike does and if you think Lex Sense is really going to have your back, you better think twice. Lex Sense doesn't just a knife ready to stab you in the back, he's got a broad sword ready to take off your head.
But hey, no worries. Enjoy the moment Joe because the moment is over the second you step in the ring with InFamous.
And then there was SEXY LEXI!!!! Boy it must suck to be you right now, not only did you fall COMPLETELY on your face after spending an entire MONTH talking out of your ass, you did so to the man that was by and large considered the biggest joke on the planet.
Credit where credit is due, I always knew Joe had it in him and while he just validated the SHIT out of his career, you just proved to us that all you are, were and ever will be is one big giant walking LIE!
I mean, not only did Joe Everyman beat you clean in the center of the ring, he did so without flinching! Without even the slightest hint of fear for you in his heart. The man looked the self proclaimed devil or whatever you're calling yourself now in the eyes and then punched you square in the nose. Forget about the abyss looking back, Joe took a big old piss into the abyss and then dropped a deuce on your chest before raising that Imperial Title above his head.
In short, IT HAS GOT TO SUCK TO BE LEX SENSE!
Of course you're going to mask how much it sucks to be you with the usual dark and foreboding trash talk which if you really look into it is just a clever way of saying the exact same thing you've been saying for the last two and a half years...
"I AM THE DARKNESS FOR WHICH THERE IS NO SALVATION BECAUSE I WILL USE MY DARKNESS TO BRING AN END TO THE LIGHT FOR WHICH THERE IS NO SALVATION FROM DARKNESS AND DESTRUCTION AND MY HANDS SLOWLY CRUSHING YOU WITH DARKNESS AND DARKNESS AND EVIL AND DARKNESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!"
I'ts actually really clever how you've convinced the entire world you're even saying anything different but hey, that's the reason some of us become Imperial Champions and some of us continue to spin our tires in the mud...
Now I'm sure you're going to disregard everything I've just said and just go right ahead and threaten to injure me and maim me and make me your bitch or something awesome. And I'm sure we''re just going to go ahead and forget how I've beaten you in I'm pretty sure every other match I've ever faced in and how you've failed EVERY single time to even so much as bruise my delicate skin. Which is all well and good because I'm going to ignore the fact that you THINK you're someone worth worrying about.
Thing is Lex, every career you think you've ended, every life you think you've ruined, every accomplishment you think you have that you've clung to for your relatively short professional wrestling career is nothing more than a PALE REFLECTION of Spike Kane and Rob Diamond.
I mean sure, you've done some things that some people consider impressive. But I promise you Lex, without going into excruciating detail, every tiny little accomplishment you've ever had, Spike and I did bigger, bloodier and before you even dreamed of it. See, you're one of those people that has to tell everyone how afraid of you they should be because ya figure if you win the mind games before the match everything else will come easy.
We don't like it easy.
We want our opponents to think they've got something over us, so that way, when Spike and I completely ass rape their dreams and make them look like the biggest pieces of crap that have ever lived, they don't see it coming.
Ask Criminal Intent. They thought they had us on the ropes for an entire month, hell they were taking credit for us breaking up and winning the belts a week after we won the damn things.
Then again, you could lull yourself into a false sense of security, assure both us and yourself that you've got this match in the bag and pretty much make the same mistake everyone else has ever made when they step into the ring with Rob Diamond and Spike Kane.
We don't NEED to tell you we're sick monsters with an unquenchable blood lust, just wouldn't be fair to warn ya like that.
And finally there is Tifa Heafy.
Now I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say to you girl because I'm not going to be wrestling you but I've been told it's a big no no to not address, so I'm addressing you.
Truth be told, you're cute as hell and trained by someone that I've had a crush on for quite a few years, Freya Kane, which is awesome. That girl can wrestle with the best of them. And apparently so can you. You've made quite the name for yourself in IWF so far even if it doesn annoy the crap out of some of the more "Bitchier" members of the roster.
Honestly, I wouldn't bother giving them the time of day if I were you. See, people like that are just pissed off that someone as supposedly green as yourself is doing in your first year what it took them ten to do. You're turning heads, making a name, working your way up the roster and you can understand why a grizzled vet like Aly or Ayla or Emma would get pissed off.
I mean seriously, what have they done lately?
I love you Aly, please don't kick me out of your house...
That being said, we've got a pretty sweet partner in Ayla St. James. She's probably one of the best damn female wrestlers in the industry today, mostly because she gets a daily injection of Hall of Fame from her boy toy, Falcon. No but seriously, she's pretty damn good and I wouldn't look past her. The biggest mistake someone in your shoes can do is get an ego this early. The important thing is to just walk into the match and think of her like you've thought of everyone else and assuming Lex or Joe don't screw this up for you, MAYBE you'll pull off the upset for your team.
I mean, I wouldn't bet on money on it because Spike and I are looking to make a statement and that is that we alone are the single greatest collection of wrestlers in IWF today and we will do that by any means necessary, even bringing Joe Everyman's celebration to an abrupt halt with a swift kick in the balls...
So what I'm saying is Tif, don't get your hopes up. Like, at all.
But good luck and all that crap.
EverySense is going to need it.
{ Back. Rob and Spike are standing in the center of what once was the sprawling city of Atlantis, now it is reduced to mostly rubble as the Atlantians have been fighting a losing battle against a great enemy. }
Rob: Shit...
Spike: Still so sure we can handle this?
{ Aquaman steps before them and observes his once great city. }
Aquaman: It is sad to think what this city was just a few weeks ago.
Rob: Yeah, bet it was sweet. So, this evil... Where is it at?
{ Rob barely gets to finish the question when there is a great explosion in the "air" over Atlantis. A giant worm hole opens up and giant ass snake like monster wearing armor like in the Avengers movie comes out. Behind it are several dozen of those flying skiff things and at the forefront of them is LOKI!!!!!! }
Rob: Ah... I see...
{ Loki points his staff at the buildings and the people and begins to fire. The monster begins destroying everything it can fly into. Aquaman turns, panicked and looks to Rob and Spike to do something. }
Aquaman: They are arrived!
Rob: Yup.
Spike: Dude, the hell do we do?
Rob: This.
{ Rob turns and kicks Aquaman square in the balls. The blond haired king of Atlantis drops to his knees. Rob rips the trident from his hands and looks down upon him. }
Aquaman: W... Why?
Rob: Why? Dude, I'm LORD FREAKING DOMINICUS! This is what I do, right Loki!?
{ Rob looks up to Loki as he flies by and gives Rob the thumbs up. }
Aquaman: GUARDS!!!!
{ Suddenly where they are standing is flooded with guards. Rob points the trident as Spike looks all around him. }
Spike: Well I guess this is as good a time as any to let you in on my secret...
Rob: Secret?
Spike: IT'S MORPHING TIME!!!!
{ Spike suddenly whips out a morpher and after a flash of crazy green light he stands there in full Green Ranger garb. He pulls out the sweet flute/dagger and begins to do battle with the guards. Rob shakes his head and laughs as he begins to use the trident to battle the guards. Aquaman slowly gets back to his feet. }
Rob: YEAH!!!!
{ Rob gets whipped around by Aquaman who punches him square in the nose. Rob shakes his head then smacks Aquaman upside the head with the trident. Aquaman staggers and Rob swings again, he rolls under the swing. Aquaman gets to his feet and ducks another swing before kicking Rob in the back. Rob spin around and catches Aquaman in the jaw with his own trident then without warning he rams the pointy end right into the midsection of Aquaman! Of course due to the PG 13 nature of our programming there is no blood. Rob rams Aquaman up against the wall as the burning city of Atlantis profiles the two of them. }
Aquamna: This... Was your... Plan all along...
Rob: Damn right.
Aquaman: Now... You... Will rule...
Rob: This wasn't about your city. It was about the trident. I'm a collector.
Aquaman: Damn... You...
{ Aquaman's head slumps over and Rob removes the trident from him. He turns to see Spike has taken care of all the guards. He looks over to see most of Atlantis destroyed and Loki having just landed beside them. Loki exits his skiff thing and walks over to the two members of InFamous. }
Loki: We did it then?
Rob: Hell yeah we did.
Spike: So you two got any other plans I should know about?
{ Spike pops his helmet off as Rob and Loki look at each other before looking back at Spike. }
Loki: The Masters of Evil always have more plans.
Rob: Yeah, ever hear of the InHumans and the Tarigan mists?
{ Spike looks back and forth between them and laughs. The three of them turn to face us, Rob, Spike and Loki... THE MASTERS OF EVIL!!!!!!! }
And that is the story of the day the Masters of Evil took over Atlantis. Yeah, it happened. In an out of continuity sort of way...
Lineage has come and gone, Spike and I restored balance to the world by destroying Criminal Intent. Teach those mama-jama's to threaten our kids. But the real kicker comes after the show, backstage in the locker room, everything is winding down. Main event is going down, everyone is gathered around the tv watching it, save for me. I'm toward the back, showered and read to head out. I grab my phone and check my texts...
Nothing...
I scroll down to "Claire Austen" my high school sweet heart, the girl I was with the night I did something stupid and got my ass arrested. I click her name and decide to throw her a text, haven't heard from her since that night and up until the cops showed up I thought we were having a pretty sweet time...
Hey Claire, it's Rob. Wassup??
Hope you watched Spike and I kick some ass tonight, it was more fun than it looked.
Anyway, haven't heard from ya since a few weeks ago and I was hoping we could get together maybe this week.
TTYL
I hit send, tuck my phone in my pocket and grab my bag. I look over to the tv and catch the end of Lineage, it brings a smile to my face. Damn right Joe, you made it. I head out and my phone dings. I pull it back out, Claire responded.
Please don't text me again...
Yeah... Figured...
Well howdy there pardner.