Post by Dorian Hawkhurst on Jan 30, 2017 5:31:18 GMT
St. John the Baptist Catholic Church is an nice, small-town church. The gray and beige brick doesn't reek of the normal over-the-top Catholic design you would see in a larger city. Forest green banners hang on either side of the crucifix, standing out against the pristine white walls. Sitting in the sanctuary, Dorian Hawkhurst is seemingly dressed for the occasion. Wearing a black fitted suit with a blue undershirt, he kneels in one of the pews, with his hands folded and his head lifted towards the heavens. He closes his eyes, as though he is visualizing something. or someone, that isn't there.
“Do I do this for the people? For my father? Or do I simply wrestle for things I need to get by? You can jumble all those question together, the conflict still remains. My legacy is calling in the midst of courting fame. Still, I stand in my father's shadow and I don't know why.”
Dorian pauses and opens his eyes for a moment, as if looking for an answer that isn't coming.
“I see the fear in his eyes, like the sky is falling. All I ever wanted was his love. Or at least some sort of compromise instead of constantly hearing “You'd better not screw up.” What do I do if I slip? What if I fail? My father will feel like I have disgraced the family name.”
Dorian again pauses, caught up in his own introspection. Dorian has never opened up much about his father, and with good reason. His father tried to disassociate himself from his son, even going so far as to change his son's surname to his mother's maiden name when Dorian refused to follow in his old man's footsteps.
“Yeah, as long as I am winning, he's not as harsh. But what about unconditional love? Why, just tell me, dear Lord, why won't he show any kindness if I lost? I feel like I would need to ask his forgiveness. It's like I am literally afraid to lose. And this apprehension only seems to grow and grow with each victory. You would think that those wins would make me more confident. Right?”
Again, he is met with silence. Perhaps in his head, he is hearing some sort of words of confidence.
“Why do I do this to myself? Why do I let myself torture myself with this struggle? In the end, I have a narrow, singular path that I walk. Nothing I do is going to change my father or his attitude. If that's the case, who do I fear that my set backs will leave some sort of emotional scar? I know he can see the fear in my eyes. When he stares a hole through me, I can't hide my doubts. I can't hide my insecurity.”
Dorian lets out something that sounds like a combination of a sigh and a snort.
“You need to realize that some people gotta learn the hard way.”
Hawkhurst snaps back to reality, and turns around to see Ken, the man he met at the bar the other day.
“Sorry to scare you, man. Saw your car outside and figured I'd stop in. Didn't expect you to praying. You didn't strike me as the type.”
“I.. uh..”
“It's cool. But I'm telling you if you think your old man is going to change, you can forget it. I understand where you are coming from. I'm the kind of guy who has to find out for himself. I had to learn things the hard way. I've been exactly where you are now, on my knees and I'm crying for help.”
“I doubt it.”
“I've been to the top of the emotional mountain and my ass has been dragged through the depths of emotional hell. I've been some places that I can only hope you never have to go. I was a bad seed when I was a kid. My wife was killed by a drunk driver when I was 19 years old. To make matters worse, she was pregnant. I know this might not mean nothing to you know, but that bun would have been your half-brother or half-sister. I don't know what your father's problem is, but I'd guess that he's been blaming you for something that you have had no control over. I'm willing to bet that is why you turned to the bottle. I know that's why I have had some of the problems I've dealt with. Some times it's easier to drown your sorrows than to face it.”
Ken is tearing up as he speaks. He is walking down a trail of memories he had hoped to never have to visit.
“Sorry. I digress. I wasn't always this happy, well adjusted person you see sitting here before you. I walked the dark path. I got messed up. But, your dad, for whatever reason, he's still messed up about something. As hard is it might be, you've got to just do what's right for you and not worry about your father.”
“When Crystal died, that was my wife's name, I walked the wrong path. I thought the Devil was a friend of mine. I was like, “Lord, why do you hate me? Why did you take my wife from me?” Man, I turned my back on everything that was true... my friends... my family... and I wasted so many ticks of the clock. It took far too long for me to see that I'm a victim of human nature. It took a while for me took look myself in the mirror and be like “What are you doing to yourself?” And you know something? No matter how many times I screwed up, my family accepted me. Your father might not accept you, but if you love him, then you should try to accept him. Some people have to learn the hard way. One day, you might find your father on his knees and crying for help. You need to accept him and forgive him.”
“So what are you getting at? I don't think I am following you.”
“I guess I'm asking you to try understanding your old man instead of being mad at him all the time. He's not perfect, no one can deny that. He probably keeps his defenses up to stop himself from getting hurt. It's a sucky way to live, man, but that's how most people like him live it.”
“So I'm supposed to sit here and take his emotional abuse because his pussy hurts?”
“No, dude. That's not what I am saying at all.”
“Then what are you saying?”
“I guess I'm just saying that you might want to try and just be the bigger person. There is no reason why you should be miserable on his account. From what you've told me, you've got an amazing woman and an even more amazing daughter. Live for them. Live for yourself. But DO NOT live for your father and DO NOT let him push you towards the bottle.
Ken turns and starts to leave.
“Where are you going?”
“Gotta run to the store and get some nachos and pickles.”
“Why?”
“Forgot to tell you. I'm going to be a father myself in about seven months. I figured with everything you had going on, you didn't need any distractions. Anyway, catch you later.”
“Well, at least one thing is going right.”
The screen is black. After a few seconds, a voice comes through the darkness.
“The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable. Still, not all people who go to church and pray are Christians. Some are simply lost souls looking for some direction. I am one such person.”
Dorian Hawkhurst walks out, revealing himself from the shadows. His is dressed in black from head to toe, causing his head to almost appear detached.
“So... I am set to face Jimmy Zane at Metamorphosis. There is no doubt in my mind that you couldn't title a show any more appropriately for my opponent myself. Thought I don't know why it is that causes Jimmy to transform into his supposedly 'broken' form. But, Jimmy, I get it. I really do.”
“I've got my own issues, that's for sure. But you, Jimmy, you're either a good actor or a psycho Twinkie with a rotten filling. Still, I get you. In my mind, I have one thing lead to another leading to another until I can't handle it. I know you're a legacy, a second generation, whatever you want to call yourself. It must be hard . I can't even image the pressure that puts you under. I can't image how hard is sitting there in the darkness of your daddy's shadow.”
Hawkhurst looks around at his all black surroundings.
“Or do I?”
Dorian smirks and lets out a short breath.
“The reason I drink is because of my father. My father was very hard me. I know the kind of anger dealing with that kind of pressure. Here's the thing, I know how to manipulate that anger. I know how to use that anger. I know how to use that anger to make you wriggle and writh. And once that anger comes boiling to the forefront, boys and girls, I am going to use it to break “Broken” Jimmy Zane. If I don't, I know that Jimmy Zane will use it to break me.”
“What separates Jimmy Zane and I, more than anything else, is that I need to win this much. Jimmy Zane is a known commodity. To Jimmy Zane his is just another match. To me, this is my chance, my opportunity, to prove that I am no joke. It is my chance to prove that my win over Alex Jones was no fluke. This match at Metamorphosis, is going to remembered as the day where Dorian Hawkhurst kicks the door and announces to the world that he is for real.”
“Jimmy, I don't want you to take this ass kicking personally. I tried to be a nice guy, but showing Mac Bane my more gentlemanly side got me beaten. Win or lose, I am man enough to give you the respect you deserve. When the bell rings, you are going to have to deal with the demon inside of the “Demon of Sobriety”. You are going to see what Dorian Hawkhurst is about. I'm sorry about this. I really am. But it's just the way it has to be.”
Dorian winks at the camera.
“See you there, Jimmy. I hope, for your sake, your daddy isn't watching.”
Well howdy there pardner.