#MediocreCanadianBash

[Notorious B.O.B.]

”Ladies and gentlemen,” the disembodied voice announces, ”it is my great pleasure to announce …” Pooler slides into view, a pastel colored concoction in his right hand. ”This, my friends,” he says, looking at the drink, ”is a unicorn frappuccino and it is made from rainbows, furbees, Justin Timberlake’s voice, and the kisses of an angel … in a word, it is,” he closes his eyes, ”magical.
Opening his eyes and taking a long drink from the green straw, he settles down in front of the screen. ”Seriously, I know this probably has, like, a hundred grams of sugar per sip and is an absolute bitch to make – but it’s totally worth it!

So while every other guy around is counting his calories and eating clean, here I am drowning my sorrows in what tastes like the sugary mane of a majestic unicorn …” he says with a small shake of his head, ”still totally worth it.

But, Bob,” he continues, placing the drink down beside him, ”what on Earth could you feel bad about? Well, yeah, there’s a bunch of people out there who had a worse week than me. I mean,” he starts ticking them off on his fingers, ”that guy on the Delta flight didn’t have a good week, then there’s Aaron Hernandez, um,” he glances up at the ceiling, ”pretty much everyone who went and saw Beauty and the Beast, and I guess Emma Watson by association,” he laughs, ”yeah, they all had much worse weeks than me, but, hell, still hurts to lose to Steve.”

He takes another sip, letting the sweet drink linger in his mouth before swallowing and shaking a bit from the sugar high.

”Hurts to lose to anyone, really,” he adds, eyeing the drink, ”but losing to Steve just stings that much more. I mean,” he places the drink down, ”take a look, on one hand you’ve got people saying, ‘Bob, you lost to Steve freaking Awesome’, like that’s supposed to be some sort of condolence for the way the match ended up going.

Now look, there’s a whole camp of people out there who probably think I’m not worthy enough to wash Steve’s underpants let alone beat him one-on-one, but to that I say – ‘why not?’

Why aren’t I on the same level as Steve?

What’s keeping me from achieving the same level of notoriety that he’s gotten; I mean, other than a squabble with Laszlo and his witch hunt against Diamond, what’s Steve been doing lately? What’s he done to continue that legacy of greatness?

Nothing?

‘Well, why shouldn’t he be allowed to coast a bit after all he’s done through the years?’

Because,” he smiles, taking the green straw between his thumb and index finger and rolling it back and forth, ”you can’t have it both ways. Steve has had a hell of a career, I’ll be the first to admit that, but he’s on the back nine while I’m still on the front nine. That loss hurt because I know that wasn’t the best that Steve was capable of, so me ‘hanging’ with Steve Awesome and ‘almost’ getting the win is nothing but bullshit …

Steve toyed with me until he got bored; plain and simple.

So, please excuse me if I don’t look thrilled at the fact that I came that close,” he holds up his thumb and index finger, ”to putting Steve down.

Close only counts in hand grenades and taxes … well,” he smirks, ”that’s why the boys at Turbo Tax have you covered.” A small window advertising Turbo Tax pops up on screen, ”Are you tired of paying some guy who actually went to school to do your taxes? Think you know enough math to correctly get money back from the government without a costly audit? Then Turbo Tax is the program for you! Uh,” he looks down at the copy they’d sent him to read for a moment, ”there’s something here about it being, like, twenty bucks and something about them not being held accountable if you royally fuck things up and end up in debtors prison … but I’m sure that’ll never happen,” he says with a wink. ”Turbo Tax, when you can’t be bothered during tax season.

Wait a minute,” he checks his watch, ”it’s almost the end of April, taxes were due a couple weeks ago – people, if you haven’t done your taxes at this point I don’t even think …” looking down once more his eyes widen a bit, a look of impressiveness on his face, ”no, I guess Turbo Tax can help with that too.

Anyway, the bills are paid for the night so it’s back to business – now where was i?

Oh, that’s right,” he says with a smack to his forehead, ”I’m supposed to be thrilled about being the runner up. Fuck it,” he laughs, ”Steve was the better guy and I’m not going to sit here and whine about losing or come up with a pathetic excuse for what went wrong.
Waste of my time and yours, folks.

So we’re moving on and that means,” the smile comes back to his face, ”we’re talking about Motor City Mayhem!

It’s the Pay-Per-View that, somehow, won the popular vote. I voted for Mediocre Canadian Bash, so I’m officially starting the hashtag, #NotMyPPV, and hope you will too!

Regardless of names, this event finds me putting the Invictus title on the line against a guy who has flown under the radar lately. He’s a member of one of the more dominant families to ever grace an IWF television screen … he is …

Buck Spencer!

See, this is something that I like about Imperial. I don’t know Buck from a hole in the wall – really only know what I’ve seen of him from the Cruiserweight Invitational, but its enough to understand that he’s a hell of an athlete. He’s a guy who ‘technically’ qualifies as a cruiserweight, but hits like a heavyweight.

Amateur football background notwithstanding, the guy seems like he can go. I watched him take Raine to his limit before losing in the finals of the tournament, but since then he’s been a force; well,” he smirks, ”it also helps when you’ve got all your brothers and sister watching your back – but I have a feeling that Buck’ll want to keep things on the up-and-up for this match.

Invictus gold, something that even your nemesis Devlin Raine failed to capture.

Here’s the thing, Bucky, for all the big talk that a lot of your peers seem to enjoy, I don’t get that vibe from you.

Soft spoken

Hard hitting

Nothing wrong with that, brother. So let me flip the script a little bit then, and just let you know what’s going to be happening this week.

See, last week pissed me off – and not just, like, ‘boy it stinks losing, I’m gonna try harder this week and do better’ kinda pissed off. No, I’m pissed off that I didn’t walk out of that ring with my damn hand raised and plan to take it out on the next guy I face, type of pissed.

You’re that guy, Buck.

You didn’t exactly sign up for this, so I can’t blame you for what you’re walking into. Steve kicked the hornets nest and left you holding the stick.

From the moment that bell rings I’m gonna be on you like a windmill, just tearing you down relentlessly until you can’t catch your breath, you can’t fight back, you can’t muster up a way to go on –

At which point I hope you have the courage to quit; because whether you tap out, or pass out, you’re not walking out.

I’m done playing games, figuratively though guys ‘cause I’m still gonna stream after this so relax,” he shakes his head, ”I’m done; which means that pretty soon, you’re done.

So ‘buck-up’, my Runnin’ Rebel, amigo – ‘cause in a few short days I’mma make you long for the days when you had pads to protect you!”