Post by Rob Diamond on Jun 17, 2017 2:12:39 GMT
{ Organs play in the background. }
“We are gathered here today to honor the memory of the happiest person I have ever known.”
{ The scene opens to a hall filled with crying cardboard cut outs of people. The cardboard cutout of Brad Pitt sits between Angelina Jolie and that flat chested chick from Friends and that one Vince Vaughne movie. Nicholas Cage hunts for National Treasure near the sign in book. Mel Gibson stands in the back with a sign that reads “Holohoax” in his hands. Near the front we see Nelly and Randy *REDACTED* both of which seem a little disturbed by the many cardboard celebrities. }
“Mr. Happy was a man who lived by his name spreading, happiness everywhere he went.”
{ Our attention is brought to a projector screen at the front of the room which shows Mr. Happy hanging out of the back of an all white panel van handing out candy to children. }
“Never asking what others could do for him but what he could do for his country.”
{ The image shifts to Mr. Happy in Vietnam wearing camo fatigues and wielding a duel flame thrower igniting the screaming forms of Vietnamese woman and children. }
“Always willing to give rather than receive.”
{ The next picture is completely blacked out as we see Randy and Nelly turn away in disgust. }
“Above all else Mr. Happy lived to entertain. Professional wrestling was his calling and while his victories were few and far between he took every match as a blessing.”
{ We are now presented a frozen image of Jason Sandman murdering Mr. Happy this past week on Sacrifice. }
“Even in horrific defeat he was happy to entertain.”
{ A look of absolute terror is still frozen on the face of Mr. Happy as he lays face up in the casket which is surrounded by roses. Nelly and Randy look upon him surrounded by the cardboard cut outs of Mr. Happy’s closest friends. }
Randy: Hey… Nelly?
Nelly: Sh!
{ Nelly leans away from his brother as the minister continues. }
“And while his death was tragic atleast he can die knowing he put a smile on someone’s face.”
{ The video image shows the sinister smirk of Jason Sandman. }
Randy: Nelly! Seriously!
Nelly: Dude!
Randy: Is that Freakke!?
{ Suddenly the corpse of Mr. Happy sits up in the open casket causing the possible Freakke the Clown to jump backward! }
Mr Happy: You guys are being serious disrespectful right now!
{ Nelly and Randy are taken back while all the cardboard cut outs are still as stone statues though some of their faces seem to have changed to ones of shock. }
Randy: Happy!?
Nelly: Oh Christ… I should have known…
{ Nelly quickly excuses himself as Randy rushes up to the open casket where Happy is now sitting, the would be Freakke the Clown simply tosses his cue cards behind him before grabbing the Angelina Jolie cut out and disappearing into the back. }
Randy: I thought you were dead!?
Happy: I was…
{ Happy looks up toward the ceiling and directly into one of the recessed lights. }
Happy: But then a voice spoke to me and told me that my job on this earth was not yet done. It told me I had more love to give to men, women and children, especially the children who are so unloved and ignored. It told me to bring them back to my home and-
Randy: Enough!
{ Randy pushes himself up from the casket and reaches into his coat pulling out a flask. Randy takes a quick shot as Happy stumbles and then falls out of the casket. Happy jumps right up and grabs a cut out of David Schwimmer around the neck. }
Happy: Randy! I have been reborn! Like Christ our lord I have been sent back to earth to show the filthy jews the error of their ways and lead them back to the light! Jason Sandman is the Ponchus Pilot of our day and I must save him!
Randy: Please. Don’t.
Happy: Like my own personal Jedus he betrayed my love and tried to Xavier Cross me but I will not subcum to his outlandish actions of outlandishness! Instead I will overcome his vile hatred with love and show him the only true way to paradise is through forgiveness! Somethine every filthy jew learned as they turned to the word of Christ! So will the followers of Sandman as they accept my flesh as bread in their mouth!
{ The preaching Mr. Happy is now suddenly flanked by the cardboard cut out of Mel Gibson and Alex Jones, not the pro wrestler but the conspiracy theorist. }
Randy: Look, Happy, normally I’m all about entertaining your crazy but this is a little over the top.
Happy: I will burn away his hatred in a furnace of love!
Randy: Happy…
Happy: I will suffocate his anger in a gas chamber of compassion!
Randy: Happy!
Happy: I will nail him to a cross of caring-
Randy: HAPPY!!!!
{ Randy slaps Mr. Happy across the face and snaps him out of it. }
Happy: Que?
Randy: Ease up on the… Mel Gibson monologues.
{ Happy raises an eyebrow to the Mel Gibson cutout who now stands behind Randy brandishing a hammer but Randy turns and sees it then quickly side steps out of the way. }
Randy: Look, I’m all for a good joke but Sandman almost killed you.
Happy: He did his very worst but I have risen again and though he struck me down I am more powerful than he could possibly imagine.
Randy: So your Obi Wan Christ?
Happy: I am Mr. Happy! Leader of the church of Happy! And I will love Jason Sandman so strongly that he will never be the same AGAIN!!!!
Randy: At least you didn’t threaten to kill anyone this week.
Happy: And if he doesn’t give in to happiness then he will… REST!!! IN!!!! PEACE!!!!
Randy: Ah what the fuck…
{ We close on Happy grabbing a cut out of Mark Calaway and a shovel before heading out the door. }
“We are gathered here today to honor the memory of the happiest person I have ever known.”
{ The scene opens to a hall filled with crying cardboard cut outs of people. The cardboard cutout of Brad Pitt sits between Angelina Jolie and that flat chested chick from Friends and that one Vince Vaughne movie. Nicholas Cage hunts for National Treasure near the sign in book. Mel Gibson stands in the back with a sign that reads “Holohoax” in his hands. Near the front we see Nelly and Randy *REDACTED* both of which seem a little disturbed by the many cardboard celebrities. }
“Mr. Happy was a man who lived by his name spreading, happiness everywhere he went.”
{ Our attention is brought to a projector screen at the front of the room which shows Mr. Happy hanging out of the back of an all white panel van handing out candy to children. }
“Never asking what others could do for him but what he could do for his country.”
{ The image shifts to Mr. Happy in Vietnam wearing camo fatigues and wielding a duel flame thrower igniting the screaming forms of Vietnamese woman and children. }
“Always willing to give rather than receive.”
{ The next picture is completely blacked out as we see Randy and Nelly turn away in disgust. }
“Above all else Mr. Happy lived to entertain. Professional wrestling was his calling and while his victories were few and far between he took every match as a blessing.”
{ We are now presented a frozen image of Jason Sandman murdering Mr. Happy this past week on Sacrifice. }
“Even in horrific defeat he was happy to entertain.”
{ A look of absolute terror is still frozen on the face of Mr. Happy as he lays face up in the casket which is surrounded by roses. Nelly and Randy look upon him surrounded by the cardboard cut outs of Mr. Happy’s closest friends. }
Randy: Hey… Nelly?
Nelly: Sh!
{ Nelly leans away from his brother as the minister continues. }
“And while his death was tragic atleast he can die knowing he put a smile on someone’s face.”
{ The video image shows the sinister smirk of Jason Sandman. }
Randy: Nelly! Seriously!
Nelly: Dude!
Randy: Is that Freakke!?
{ Suddenly the corpse of Mr. Happy sits up in the open casket causing the possible Freakke the Clown to jump backward! }
Mr Happy: You guys are being serious disrespectful right now!
{ Nelly and Randy are taken back while all the cardboard cut outs are still as stone statues though some of their faces seem to have changed to ones of shock. }
Randy: Happy!?
Nelly: Oh Christ… I should have known…
{ Nelly quickly excuses himself as Randy rushes up to the open casket where Happy is now sitting, the would be Freakke the Clown simply tosses his cue cards behind him before grabbing the Angelina Jolie cut out and disappearing into the back. }
Randy: I thought you were dead!?
Happy: I was…
{ Happy looks up toward the ceiling and directly into one of the recessed lights. }
Happy: But then a voice spoke to me and told me that my job on this earth was not yet done. It told me I had more love to give to men, women and children, especially the children who are so unloved and ignored. It told me to bring them back to my home and-
Randy: Enough!
{ Randy pushes himself up from the casket and reaches into his coat pulling out a flask. Randy takes a quick shot as Happy stumbles and then falls out of the casket. Happy jumps right up and grabs a cut out of David Schwimmer around the neck. }
Happy: Randy! I have been reborn! Like Christ our lord I have been sent back to earth to show the filthy jews the error of their ways and lead them back to the light! Jason Sandman is the Ponchus Pilot of our day and I must save him!
Randy: Please. Don’t.
Happy: Like my own personal Jedus he betrayed my love and tried to Xavier Cross me but I will not subcum to his outlandish actions of outlandishness! Instead I will overcome his vile hatred with love and show him the only true way to paradise is through forgiveness! Somethine every filthy jew learned as they turned to the word of Christ! So will the followers of Sandman as they accept my flesh as bread in their mouth!
{ The preaching Mr. Happy is now suddenly flanked by the cardboard cut out of Mel Gibson and Alex Jones, not the pro wrestler but the conspiracy theorist. }
Randy: Look, Happy, normally I’m all about entertaining your crazy but this is a little over the top.
Happy: I will burn away his hatred in a furnace of love!
Randy: Happy…
Happy: I will suffocate his anger in a gas chamber of compassion!
Randy: Happy!
Happy: I will nail him to a cross of caring-
Randy: HAPPY!!!!
{ Randy slaps Mr. Happy across the face and snaps him out of it. }
Happy: Que?
Randy: Ease up on the… Mel Gibson monologues.
{ Happy raises an eyebrow to the Mel Gibson cutout who now stands behind Randy brandishing a hammer but Randy turns and sees it then quickly side steps out of the way. }
Randy: Look, I’m all for a good joke but Sandman almost killed you.
Happy: He did his very worst but I have risen again and though he struck me down I am more powerful than he could possibly imagine.
Randy: So your Obi Wan Christ?
Happy: I am Mr. Happy! Leader of the church of Happy! And I will love Jason Sandman so strongly that he will never be the same AGAIN!!!!
Randy: At least you didn’t threaten to kill anyone this week.
Happy: And if he doesn’t give in to happiness then he will… REST!!! IN!!!! PEACE!!!!
Randy: Ah what the fuck…
{ We close on Happy grabbing a cut out of Mark Calaway and a shovel before heading out the door. }
Well howdy there pardner.